Vampiress Isis Hears The News of Vampire Set's Marriage Proposal

Cedarman was feeling a little dainty on his feet today as he walked towards the colossal drawing room of the colossal Paris mansion.

And it wasn't because he had watched a movie last night in which the late Truman Capote had made an appearance.

No, he was feeling dainty on his feet because he felt afraid.

The English butler and valet who had left his native land of bulldogs and steak and kidney pie for this land of poodles and puff pastries had to tell his mistress the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis that her arch-enemy (and brother as well as brother-in-law) Set was getting married.

He wasn't sure how she'd take the news.

As Cedarman entered the room, a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe flew by his nose.

"I take it you heard the news, Madame," he said as he picked up her heel.

"I have," Isis' face was about blue as her navy blue coloured evening dress.

Cedarman put the stiletto back on the vampiress' right foot.

She proceeded him to trample him under foot.

"You know I read somewhere," Cedarman remarked casually, "that some men get off on this."

"I suppose that would explain your erection then I notice which is currently emerging," Isis pressed her stiletto down hard on his stomach.

"Indeed, Ma'am," Cedarman nodded.

The broadcast of the Larry King Show on the TV set explained how his mistress Isis had heard the news of Set's impending nuptials.

"Now, Mr. Renfield R. Renfield," the bow-tie and suspenders wearing talk show host addressed the bow-tie and suspenders wearing shapeshifting hamster/human, "would you be willing to play again for us the song you were playing on your banjo the night your boss Set proposed to the Romanov billions heiress vampiress Martini?".

"Do you want me to use the ostrich I was riding as well?" Renfield asked.

"Should we use the ostrich?" Larry King looked over in the direction of his floor director.

The floor director nodded.

Larry King addressed the viewing audience, "As Anderson Cooper chases after the ostrich which has apparently left the building following an Elvis impersonator, we'll be right back after this message from KFC..."

To be continued.

A Name That Won't Be Mentioned On The Hollywood Walk of Fame

It was the Hollywood Walk of Fame and its 50th Anniversary today
here was where the giants of the Silver Screen walked.
I never have seen the Hollywood Walk of Fame
and until this year I always wanted to.

I longed to be a movie director
it was my dream
but then my dad got cancer and died.

My sister was in the City of Red Deer the night my dad died
negotiating on behalf of the Nurses' Union with hospital management.
That night she drove home not knowing yet my dad had gone
But as she drove she suddenly noticed a traffic crash marker
on that route she had driven many times
it was a Cross someone had put up
and all it said was
At The Name of Jesus, Every Knee Shall Bow.

My sister sort of vaguely believed in God
but she isn't really sure about Jesus.
But seeing that Cross on the night Dad died
She's now starting to wonder.

And I'm starting to wonder too
as I evaluate my life
for I know on that Hollywood Walk of Fame
that Jesus' Name is one Name that won't be mentioned.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday, July 25th 2010

Doc Henry's Remedy: Drinking Shooters In A Bar

Doc Henry's Remedy: Drinking Shooters In A Bar
A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday, July 22nd 2010

"I want to try a totally new and different shooter," Donald said as he put his shooter glass down on the bar.

He had already had 5 Orgasms and 6 Blow Jobs.

"Me too," said Troy who had had numerous samples of Sex On The Beach.

"Me three, " giggled Veronica who had had 3 Abortions.

"Why do most shooter drinks have names with sexual innuendo?" asked Timothy who had been slowly sipping the cocktail called Tequila Sunrise.

"For the same reason they always have beautiful and incredibly sexy and willing women in beer commercials," Donald said, "sex sells."

"You want to try a totally new and different shooter?" Sam the bartender asked.

"Yep," Donald spoke for all.

"How about a glass of Doc Henry's Remedy?" Sam asked.

"What's Doc Henry's Remedy?" Donald queried.

"A shooter I came across the ingredients for over in Britain," Sam said, "I'm sure you've never had anything quite like it."

"I'm in," said Donald and the other three assented.

The bartender went over to a cabinet he hadn't been to all evening and started pouring and mixing various drinks.

"Hey, we can't see what you're doing," Donald cried out, "what are you mixing?".

"Doc Henry's Remedy is a secret recipe," Sam the bartender called back.

He brought over the shooter glasses.

"Wow, looks like the colours of the rainbow," Veronica stared at her glass.

"Cheers," Donald raised his glass in toast.

The other three said, "Cheers."

They drank.

When they had finished their glasses, nobody said anything for a while.

Then Troy spoke, "You know Donald, I don't think much of your 5 o' clock shadow."

"What 5 o' clock shadow?" Donald said, "I'm perfectly clean shaven."

"Are not," Veronica smiled, "you're growing a beard."

"So are you, bitch," Donald grabbed Veronica's hair and slammed her face down hard on the bar.

"Asshole," Troy broke a beer bottle and cut Donald's mouth with it.

"Son of a bitch," Donald picked up an extremely sharp steak knife and shoved it straight through Troy's neck killing him instantly.

"Let me give you a real blow job," Veronica said to Donald.

"All right," Donald pulled his pants down along with his briefs and stood there getting erect.

Veronica grabbed the steak knife and cut off Donald's erect phallus.

"Whore," Donald screamed and ran over to the dart board, pulled out some darts and then came back and gouged out both Veronica's eyes.

"Did I mention I got my firearms permit today?" Timothy pulled a gun out of his coat pocket and shot both Donald and Veronica dead.

Timothy then looked at his reflection in the mirror, "My God, I've got a beard. Why did Troy ask Donald about his 5 o' clock shadow when mine is a lot worse."

Timothy then looked at the bodies of his 3 dead friends on the floor.

"My God," Timothy cried, "you've all got beards"

He then noticed the blood and gore,

"Oh God," Timothy cried, "what have I done? What have we all done?".

"You better run and hide before the police get here," Sam the bartender suggested.

Timothy ran out into the back alley.

"Better run and hide," Sam the bartender laughed, "wonder how hide should be spelled?".

Sam put back the bottles into his secret cabinet.

Waiting for the time some unwary strangers once again came into his quiet out of the way bar and asked for shooters.

Doc Henry's Remedy.

A very old remedy.

Went back roughly 125 years to the original Doc Henry- a London physician named Dr. Henry Jekyll.

Weddings Galore Yesterday

I noticed there seemed to be weddings galore around town yesterday.

A neighbourhood pub I was at in the early afternoon, there were lots of people coming in formally dressed so I assumed they had all come from weddings and were just killing time before the reception started.

Then in the late afternoon, I was at a downtown pub and once again people came in formally dressed. More wedding guests I thought.

Then I went to another pub a couple of blocks away and more of the same. More formally dressed people.

Then while killing time waiting for the bus (I don't really like driving downtown unless I really have to) I decided I'd walk through the lobby of the elegant Westin Hotel.

More people formally dressed in the lobby. I noticed they were waiting to get into one of the hotel ballrooms.

As I walked around looking at some of the elegantly and classically dressed beautiful women and saying to myself, "Wow" I absent mindedly stepped in front of the bride and groom just as they were getting their picture taken in front of the hotel ballroom before they opened the door.

Years from now, they'll be wondering who was that tall blonde stranger in blue jeans who entered the picture.

I was thinking to myself as I was walking around and looking at all the beautifully dressed women, "Gee, who's that beautiful girl in the long white dress?".

The fact that she was holding a huge bouquet of flowers in her hand should have clued me in that she was the bride before I stepped in front of her as the photographer was taking a picture of her and the guy in the tuxedo next to her.

And the moral of the story is...

always the guy who inadvertently steps into the wedding photo...

never (at least at this point in time anyways)...

the bridegroom.

Slightly Stormy July Evening

As I was waiting for the bus to go downtown tonight, dark clouds covered the sky.

The wind was blowing quite strongly.

The clouds seemed to be moving from north to south.

And I suddenly noticed the tree not far from the bus stop.

I think it was a great oak.

It certainly had a mighty trunk to it.

And reached tall into the sky.

Its branches swaying slightly with the strong wind.

But it was tall and majestic.

And it withstood the challenge of the storm.

I looked across the street from the bus stop where a man was working on the rock and rose garden on his lawn.

His wife stood looking out the living room window at him holding up a baby.

She held up the baby and pointed at the dad.

And the baby smiled.

As I observed all this, it struck me as being interconnected somehow.

The family was meant to be like a great tree. With solid roots and a sound trunk, it can withstand many a great storm.