North Korean Attack and The Rumblings of Powers and Principalities

The Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant and his Saint Bernard dog Samson met Dracul Van Helsing in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.

Crazy Pierre's was one of the few Parisienne sidewalk cafes that was open as an outdoor sidewalk cafe in Paris in late November.

"So," Brother Jim whimpered slightly as he froze his nuts off in his monk's robes , "Hyung isn't with you in Paris?".

"No," Dracul shook his head, "she flew home to South Korea as soon as she heard today's news that North Korea had attacked South Korea's Yeonpyeong Island killing 2 soldiers, destroying civilian homes and wounding both civilians and soldiers."

"An extremely dangerous situation," Brother Jim remarked as he sipped his hot chocolate.

"Very dangerous," Dracul agreed.



* * *

Kim Jong-un (the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il) was holding a meeting with the famous South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo.

"So," Kim Jong-un asked, "My one million man zombie army that you have raised from the dead is now ready?".

"Yes, Your Excellency," Sterling Makabo nodded.

"Good," Kim smiled, "if the glorious People's Democratic Republic of Korea is forced to get into a war with the U.S., Japan and the imposter government that oversees the southern half of my peninsula, I'll have an army that is already dead but still able to fight."

"That is correct," Sterling Makabo smiled as he ate the delicious pork dish that lay in front of him.

"I heard reports that you raised the artist Vincent Van Gogh temporarily from the dead last week," Kim helped himself to a steaming dish of vegetables.

"Yes," Makabo ate a pig's foot, "I got the zombie Vincent to cut off his other ear and then I mailed it to Charles Prince of Wales."

"For what purpose?" Kim asked.

"His Highness never paid me for bringing back his banana tree from the dead," Sterling answered.


* * *


Amadeus Emanon was having dinner with the vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont (who hailed from New Orleans, Louisiana) in a posh London restaurant.

"Nice to see the annoying Renfield isn't with us this evening," Angelique smiled as she smoothed her dress.

"No, he's currently in America teaching seminars to TSA airport security guards on the proper way to pat down and grope airline passengers who are getting ready for the Thanksgiving long weekend," Amadeus replied.

"Renfield is?" Angelique blinked, "And what is he using for teaching aids as he gives these seminars?".

"Every hard-core porno movie that he can find," Amadeus replied.


* * *


It was an exclusive bank in Geneva, Switzerland that kept evening hours for its rich clients.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was there making a withdrawal from his personal safety deposit box.

Behind him he heard a swishing and a rustling of skirts.

He turned and there was the vampiress who was both his sister and his sister-in-law-
Isis.

"So getting out some safety assets I see?" Isis looked at him.

Set decided to say nothing but turned again to the bank clerk.

Isis looked at him with an amused expression and decided to test him, "So I suppose that means you too know what is really happening in Korea?".

Set paused, turn around, and looked at her in shock, "You know what's really going on?".

"What's going on is setting the stage for the return of our brother and my beloved husband, Osiris," Isis smiled at him.

* * *

To be continued.

A Gift From Comrade Kim

In Tehran, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad received a phone call from Kim Jong-un the designated heir to North Korea's dictator Kim Jong-il.

"Thank you, Comrade Kim," Ahmadinejad smiled.

He then turned to his aide and spoke, "Comrade Kim has given me a gift. And with this gift I shall liberate al-Quds. And I shall finish the job Hitler should have finished. Most of the Jews will be dead by the time I finish using Comrade Kim's gift."

"Finish the job Hitler should have finished?" his aide blinked, "But I thought you always said there was no Holocaust. That six million Jews didn't really die."

"That was just for public consumption, you moron," Ahmadinejad spat at his aide, "Hitler was a great man. But not as great as I am."


* * *

"Megalomaniacs," CNN's Anderson Cooper looked at the camera, "what makes them tick? On the next 360."

"Enough current affairs for the day," vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan grabbed the remote and shut it off.

"Are you opposed to all current affairs?" Dracul asked as he poured a glass of champagne.

"Distant current affairs can go away," Hyung took the glass of champagne, "Intimate and very close current affairs may commence."

Hyung sipped the champagne, put a strawberry in her mouth and then brushed against Dracul Van Helsing's lips.


* * *

Renfield R. Renfield was sitting at his computer eating a tuna fish sandwich which was his favourite sandwich.

"Using my superior computer hacking skills, I just discovered something," Renfield grinned in Amadeus Emanon's direction.

"Really?" Amadeus looked up from his copy of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, "what did you discover?".

"Just a minute, my Persian is a little rusty," Renfield reached for his English-Persian Dictionary.

"But the maid vacuums the carpet everyday," Amadeus stated.

When Renfield gave Amadeus an angry glare, Amadeus then understood.

He looked at the back of his copy of The Rubaiyat and spoke, "It's too bad Edward FitzGerald wasn't alive today to translate for you."

"Ummm," Renfield ignored Amadeus, "That's interesting. That would be quite the major calamity and loss of life should this go ahead. Should I warn the intended target? Nah, there's nothing in it for me to warn them so I won't."

"Warn who about what?" Amadeus was curious.

"Nothing," Renfield finished the last of his tuna fish sandwich.

He then looked at the can of tuna fish on his desk and also the slices of bread.

While looking at the bread, Renfield bit his thumb, "This type of rye bread that's my favourite. I love it with my tuna fish sandwiches. Where is it made again?".

"Jerusalem," Amadeus Emanon replied.

"Did you say Jerusalem?" Renfield looked over at Amadeus.

"Yes," Amadeus nodded.

"Oh," Renfield looked downtrodden.

He then picked up the phone and called the headquarters of the Israeli Mossad where he relayed certain information.

"It turned out there was something in it for me to warn them after all," Renfield reached for another slice of rye bread.

To be continued.

An Autumn Most Miserable

Trees bare and stark
leaves on the ground
but no snow around.

The snowy white covers up the look of death
giving a frosty beauty to the look of November.

But no snow white this year
only stark trees and decaying leaves.

There are no gray skies yet.
The sun still shines
but the air is cold
and the wind chills the bone.

The feel of winter is everywhere
but not the snow.

This false season that's come to this place
in this year of 2010
the days brim with bright sunshine
but the cold chills
and chills
in the frosty air
that shows no appearance of frost.

Metaphorical of this entire year for me
confronted with the cold reality of death
and from family and people I thought were friends
an icy chill
the cold breath of hatred directed towards me.

The one from whom I felt such warm love is gone
and in what they call IRL
away from the computer and cyberspace
the streets of the city where I live
are littered with clones of Narnia's White Witch and Frost Queen
disguised as summer nymphs devoid of warmth.

An Autumn Most Miserable
A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Thursday, November 11th 2010.

The Cyborg Sophia In Berlin

November 9th, 2010.

The 21st Anniversary of the coming down of the Berlin Wall.

There were some celebrations going on.

Not as many as last year which marked the 20th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Cold War.

But then Sophia wasn't around last year.

At least not as a cyborg anyway- part human and part robot.

She had no memory of her life prior to her coming alive in a Moscow lab earlier this fall.

And now she was forced to work for Renfield R. Renfield- the Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage For Set Enterprises.

Renfield wasn't with her tonight in Berlin.

He was recovering in a London hospital from a mishap involving a firewalking experiment gone horribly wrong during a motivational seminar he was leading.

But as Sophia stood there in her white dress and black leather boots and fur coat, she was glad Renfield wasn't here.

She found him to be a pain in the ass.

She wouldn't have minded if Amadeus Emanon had been here.

But Amadeus was performing Chopin on the piano tonight in a special concert at Saint Martin's In The Fields Church in London.

So Sophia was here by herself.

Sent here to seduce someone on Renfield's orders.

She looked.

There was former Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev quietly eating a Bavarian sausage and sauerkraut that he had purchased from a Berlin street vendor.

But it wasn't Gorbachev that Sophia had been sent here to seduce.

She looked in the other direction.

It was Sir Elton John.

The British singer was here this day recalling a music video he had shot about the Berlin Wall and the Cold War some 25 years earlier.

Why Renfield wanted her to seduce Sir Elton John she did not know.

She approached the British singer.

She lifted up her dress and gave the singer a good shot of her lovely pantyhosed leg.

In hospital in London, Renfield received a text message from Sophia.

The message said, Apparently every November 9th, Sir Elton John doesn't swing in the direction of our team. He chooses to engage in a homosexual liason with some guy who dresses up as the late Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany who apparently abdicated the German Imperial Throne back on November 9th 1918.

Bloody Hell.

Why hadn't he known that?

Bloody Hell again.

Why had Sophia sent him such a long text message with no abbreviations? Under the terms of his lousy particular mobile phone contract, he'd be paying a fortune in user fees over such a long message.

To be continued.

Renfield R. Renfield Motivational Speaker

Renfield R. Renfield was leading a motivational seminar.

Edmund Van Helsing, Dracul Van Helsing's cousin was paying a visit to the seminar incognito to see what the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was up to.

Edmund noticed that Amadeus Emanon was standing in the background and knowing what a talkative sort Amadeus was decided to stand next to him.

"So," Edmund said addressing Amadeus, "Renfield is putting on a motivational seminar. What inspired him to do this?".

"He was reading a blog recently about some sucker attending a Tony Robbins seminar and saying what a wonderful experience it is," Amadeus replied, "and Renfield said, don't they know that Robbins is a master hypnotist and that's how he's able to get people to walk across live coals?".

"Robbins is definitely a master hypnotist," Edmund agreed, "some think he's demonically possessed as well."

"I've met a few people who think Renfield is demonically possessed," Amadeus nodded.

On the stage, Renfield seemed to be foaming and frothing at the mouth over something or other.

A widow who was depressed over her husband's recent death approached Renfield to ask him to walk her through her grief and depression.

"Your husband's dead and not coming back," Renfield barked at her, "so get over it."

After pushing the old lady back in her seat, Renfield shouted at the audience,

"Now I AM the voice,
I will lead, not follow
I will believe, not doubt
I will create, not destroy
I AM a force for good
I AM a leader. "

"I AM," Edmund noted, "the name by which God called Himself when He spoke to Moses from the burning bush."

"The same name Jesus once called Himself," Amadeus said, "when He spoke to some of the Temple priests and the Pharisees and said, "Before Abraham was, I AM." That's why they wanted to stone Him on the spot for blasphemy since only God could claim to be I AM."

"So Renfield is claiming to be God," Edmund said.

Soon members of the audience started shouting like mindless zombies in a chantlike mantra following their leader, "I AM the voice... I will lead not follow". They followed Renfield zombielike in shouting back every line he shouted.

"They say in the New Age, everyone is a god," Amadeus remarked. "although Renfield is like the new pig masters in George Orwell's Animal Farm who said, "All animals are equal but some are more equal than others." Every one and every thing is indeed a god in this new dawning of the Age of Aquarius but Renfield fancies himself more god than others."


"I imagine that will be the opinion the Antichrist will hold of himself when he indeed arises, that everything and everyone in the universe is indeed god but he is more god than others," Edmund said.


After working the audience up into a state of ecstasy and blind frenzy which reminded Edmund of the effect Hitler had on his audiences at the Nuremburg rallies, Renfield then started having members of his audience walk across beds of hot coals.

"I wonder if Renfield is indeed demonically possessed," Edmund had brought himself a vial of Holy Water with him.

He walked up to Renfield and threw the Holy Water directly in his face.

Renfield was soon lying on the ground screaming in agony as if someone had thrown acid in his face.

The audience figuring this was now what they were supposed to be doing likewise went back on their backs and started screaming- those who landed on their backs on the hot coals seemed to be screaming more loudly than the others.

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec: Close Encounters of the Vampiress Kind

The boy was about 10 years old.

He walked across the school field from the school to his home.

But it wasn't day.

It was night.

Although the boy did attend classes at the school during the day, this night from 7:30 to 9:30 PM there was an extramural Chess Club for Chess enthusiasts that ran.

So the boy attended the Chess Club.

He held his Chess set tightly in hand as he walked across the school field.

He was half way home.

It was then that he saw the bright light.

It hovered above him- this silver disk.

The boy froze.

Or at least he thought he froze.

For he couldn't move.

Then the disk seemed to open.

And a white staircase emerged from the disk.

Down the staircase walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.

She wore a long red evening dress with black frills around her waist and elbows. He caught a glimpse of shimmering black silk pantyhose and noticed she wore vigourously polished and sparkling shiny red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Then she smiled at him.

Her teeth were glistening snowy icy white and she had huge incisors in her mouth like he recalled seeing on those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing that he loved so well.

The top of her dress was extremely low cut and she showed ample breasts and bosom and cleavage as did those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing- one of the reasons he loved those movies so well.

She picked the boy up and carried him up the staircase.

Then she took the boy's clothes off and bathed him in the most antiseptic looking bathtub he had ever seen in his life.

Then she towelled him dry.

Then she took the boy to a couch underneath a huge spotlight.

She sat down on the couch, took the boy over her knee and then spanked him hard and vigourously for what seemed hours.

* * *

The boy woke up.

He was in bed.

It must have been a dream.

He looked out the window and noticed a bright light leaving his back yard.

As the bright light flew farther away, it gave the appearance of being a silver disk- much like those old UFO flying saucers he recalled seeing in old 1950s sci-fi movies he'd watch on Saturday afternoon cinemas on TV.

He also felt an extremely warm and burning hot (although extremely pleasant for some reason) sensation on his back side.

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing stood on the top floor of the observatory and gazed through the telescope.

His acquaintance and friend the Jesuit astronomer Father Jose Santeiros asked him, "Do you see what I see?".

The way the Jesuit astronomer worded the question reminded him of the lyrics from that old Christmas children's carol The Little Drummer Boy, "Do you see what I see?".

"Yes, you've found an ET, Father Jose," Dracul nodded, "a real live ET on Saturn's moon Titan."

"It's a strange looking creature," Father Santeiros remarked.

"A feathered serpent," Dracul replied, "a snake with wings."

"Indeed, that's what it looks like," Father Santeiros nodded.

"It's the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl," Dracul answered, "I was there when the Egyptian vampiress Isis and the Greek vampiress Athena cast a magical spell sending it back to Saturn's moon Titan."

"What?" Father Santeiros looked incredulous.

"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had ripped out my still beating heart on top of an Mexican Aztec pyramid in a human sacrifice to bring him back to Earth from Titan where he had been apparently exiled back in December, 1531. She succeeded in bringing the old snake back but Isis and Athena arrived, put my heart back in place and then sent Quetzalcoatl back to Titan."

"Why would Isis and Athena want Quetzalcoatl back on Titan?" Father Santeiros asked.

"Isis doesn't want any competition from any other gods when her husband/lover/brother Osiris returns to Earth in 2012," Dracul smiled, "ditto for Athena whose father Zeus has emerged again in the world in this year of 2010.".

"He has?" Father Santeiros didn't know whether to believe Dracul or not, "but won't Zeus and Osiris fight one another for control of the earth?".

"Oh, probably," Dracul ate an apple, "but at least they won't have another rival to contend with. Although Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return in the year 2012 as well according to some. Which would make it a 3 deity contest for control of the Earth anyway."


* * *

Dracul Van Helsing walked back to his car from the observatory.

It was then that he noticed the bright light in the sky.

The bright light became a silver disk.

And from the disk a white stairway.

Down the stairway emerged the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in a low cut red evening dress with black frills around the waist and elbows, black silk pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

"Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled with her sparkling white teeth and vampiric incisors.

"Your Highness," Dracul bowed.

"So that priest has spotted my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl through his telescope," Qonzilqointec said, "is he now going to tell the world?."

"Not yet," Dracul replied.

"Good," Qonzilqointec smiled, "so I won't have to kill him."

"Like you did me atop that pyramid 5 years ago," Dracul noted.

"I held your heart in my hands," Qonzilqointec stepped towards him, "and then Isis and Athena came along and ruined everything."

"For my sake, I'm glad they did," Dracul smiled.

"I suppose you remember that first meeting of ours," Qonzilqointec laughed, "where I ripped out your still beating heart with my high priestess black obsidian knife and held it in my hands."

"That wasn't our first meeting," Dracul said.

"What do you mean that wasn't our first meeting?" Qonzilqointec sputtered, "when had we met before then?".

"Don't you remember?" Dracul smiled, "I was a boy about 10 years old and walking back across the school field from my Chess Club meeting and you came down in your Tesla prototype flying saucer which I see you still have and picked me up?".

"You remember that?" Qonzilqointec gasped.

"LIke it was yesterday," Dracul answered.

* * *

To be continued.

The above is the 1st chapter of the 2nd book of my Vampire Hunter trilogy.

Yay! I Got A Post Card From Tokyo, Japan Today!

So I got a post card from Tokyo, Japan from my Xanga friend Sylvia aka MorningMoka today! :)

It really made my day.

When I got home and saw an Air Mail envelope in my mail box, who I thought did I know overseas?

Then I remembered Sylvia had written a blog entry recently saying anyone who would like a post card from Japan to please message her.

Since I had never received a post card from Japan before, I did so.

The postcard was a lovely Japanese print of a nobleman holding up a sword.

The postcard certainly brought a dose of autumn warmth to my day in Canada. :)

Sylvia also sent me a bag of Japanese tea which I shall drink on a special occasion. :)

She also included a haiku from the most famous poet of the Edo period Matsuo Basho (who lived from 1644-1694):

Fragile twigs
breaking off the
scarlet papers
Autumn wind.

-Matsuo Basho
(1644-1694)


Thanks again Sylvia for your lovely post card! :)

I wish you well with your studies in Paris, France! :)


-Christopher