Little Red Riding Hood Updated

Little Red Riding Hood went walking through the forest
listening on her iPod to the Hallelujah chorus
she was wearing a red short skirt
she was wanting to flirt
being a girl of 24
she walked to the Wolf's door
She banged on the door and said "Let me in, let me in
for I feel inclined to sin, sin, sin!"
Hallelujah said the Big Bad Wolf opening the door-us
in accompaniment to the Hallelujah chorus
He noticed her red short skirt, red silk nylons and red spiked stilettos
such as was never seen before in these here forest ghettoes
My wolfie, what a big - - - - you have
she bent down and rubbed her calve
when you do that it's even bigger
said Wolfie with a swigger
she bent down on all fours on the rug
and gave his leg a playful tug
the bigger the better she said
this playful girl dressed in red
now I want to see your bed.
she looked at the ornaments on his open door
what big knockers you have
she dropped her shawl to the floor.
Not as big as yours my dear
I feel it getting hot in here
the wolf took off his sheep sweater
she smiled sweetly the bigger the better
the tighter the sweater
do you like to play with leather?
she brought out a riding crop
and then unbuttoned her see-through top
and poor Wolfie came so quickly
his cottage floor needed a mop.

-An erotic poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Friday evening October 28th 2011.

For Andrea CorvyusMorte Requiem For A Poetess

Upon hearing of John Keats' death
Shelley wrote, "I weep for Adonais- he is dead"
on this rainy rainy night devoid of stars
I weep for Andrea- she is dead
Beautiful poetess, beautiful soul
I wish you were around still to tell you so.

You wrote from the heart
and what a beautiful heart it was
a heart that had been broken and felt pain
a heart that flowed with passion like dew and pouring rain
it can be truly said, this world won't see your like again.

You wrote real poetry in an age of text messages and mundane emails
you found kernels of buried truth under lies of hidden veils
your words burst with the range and gaunt of human emotions
but your own poor soul found no healing lotions.

O weep for Andrea- she is dead
now poetry has nowhere to lay its head
the finger no longer moves nor writes
and all your tears can no longer bring back the muse
that wrote of life and death and wine and song
where did this world go so terribly wrong?

Your words were finally drowned in a pool of despair
I wept tears for you in the pool downstair
now back in my room on this rainy rainy night
a pounding gloom devoid of light.

In my mind the voice of Josh Groban singing Vincent,

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry starry night
you took your life as lovers often do
but I could have told you Vincent
this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

but I would change the lyrics of the song...

I would have changed the lyrics to something I should have done...

I would change the lyrics to...

I should have told you Andrea,
this world NEEDS someone as beautiful as you.

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec Rising

The vampire Lev Tomi looked outside his office in the UN building in New York City.

In his mortal life, he had been the Marxist revolutionary Leon Trotsky.

He had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City on August 21st, 1940 a day after an attack by a Stalinist agent who tried to assassinate him with an ice pick.

Failure to be turned into a vampire would have resulted in his death.

Although his death was publicly announced to the world so that his enemy Josef Stalin would no longer bother him.

Today Lev Tomi was the Head of the UN Secretariat on The Environment and Climate Change.

He was also directing the Occupy Wall Street protests throughout the world on behalf of his boss the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec.

His mind went back to a conversation he had had with then Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1980s.

"In order for global Communism to triumph," he had told Gorbachev, "global capitalism must triumph first. Only when extreme laissez-faire capitalism reigns everywhere on the globe will the peoples of the world realize what an inhuman system it is and will rush to willingly embrace global Communism."

At Tomi's suggestion, Gorbachev let Central and Eastern Europe go, allowed for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall and the reunification of Germany and even allowed the dissolution of the Soviet Union itself.

By the year 2000, it had looked like global capitalism had triumphed.

By the autumn of 2008, global capitalism had shown the world its inhuman face and continued to show the world its inhuman face ever since.

Now the Arab Spring, the anti-austerity bill riots in Greece and the Occupy Wall Street protests in cities all over the world would pave the way for the triumph of global Communism.

Although it is ironic Tomi reflected to himself that the coming One World Marxist-Leninist government would be headed by the exiled (currently living in exile on Saturn's moon Titan) Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.


* * *

Dracul Van Helsing read the quote from Leon Trotsky in the rare book store he was in, "Let there be formed a United States of Europe. When the United States of Europe is formed, then the United States of the World shall arise. And global Communism will triumph."

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec appeared before him in a red evening dress and licked her fangs and then leaned over showing her ample bosom and whispered delicately in his ear, "Tenga cuidado..."

To be continued.

The Painting: Where The Medium Is The Message

He looked at the woman in the painting.

The painting of the dark haired woman in the beautiful white dress.

She was holding a yellow rose in her hand and smelling the scent.

A light from an oil lamp or fireplace (not visible in the painting) seemed to cast a reddish orange reflective glow on the woman's beautiful face.

The swirls of her delicate dress accentuated the curves of her body.

She looked sad- the woman.

How he longed to reach out and touch her.

How he longed to reach out and hold her.

Tell her that she was loved.

That he loved her.

That she was not alone in the world.

He reached out his hand towards the painting.


* * *

The dark haired woman in the white dress looked up at the painting.

The man in the painting seemed to be reaching out towards her.

He looked at her with warm and loving and compassionate eyes.

He seemed to want to touch her.

To hold her.

To tell her that she was loved.

That he loved her.

That she was not alone in the world.

She reached out her hand towards the painting.



* * *

-A short story written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday evening October 12th 2011
inspired by a painting by the Spanish artist Gomperez
a painting that once belonged to my dad
now belongs to me.
My favourite painting of his entire art art collection.

A Poem For Canadian Thanksgiving

He was a turkey who could do no wrong
but this past week was his swan song
for the turkey lost its head
and on a bed of stuffing spread
on him it was quickly fed
slurped down with gravy
and sauce cranberry
the families Jones and Smith did feed
and so gone like desert tumbleweed
was the bird who went "Gobble! Gobble"
he met his end on streets of cobble
in the little brick house on the corner
the one with pie and little Jack Horner.

-A poem written for Canadian Thanksgiving
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday evening October 9th 2011.

Desolate Place

Desolate place
desperate spirits
too many ghosts
too many memories
they haunt the mind and soul
so that when one speaks
all anyone else hears is the sound of silence
The singer is mute
the audience overtaken by apathy
what is the sound of one hand clapping?
Listen and you just may hear it
as you step over the tree that fell in the forest
the sound of which no one heard.

-A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday evening, October 5th 2011

The Birth of Dionysus

Among the gods, Zeus was a cad
he made immortal adultery a fad
and being a cad, he stepped on a mouse
and made love to the daughter of Cadmus
Semele was her name
but Zeus was to blame
for this fair child of Cadmus and the goddess Harmonia
aroused in Zeus a lustful cornucopia
for Zeus couldn't keep it in his toga
even when he was practicing yoga
and as the cock crew
that of Zeus's grew
and from his robe he withdrew
Semele screamed
Zeus just beamed
but Hera saw
this divine ma
and she was ticked
with the exploits of hubby's prick
she told Semele to ask Zeus to appear in all his splendour
seeing as how she was pretty, svelte and slender
Zeus granted her request
but Semele wasn't blessed
for the thunder and lightning of his divine presence consumed the girl
and Zeus snatched from her womb by the tiniest little hair curl
their son Dionysus
Hera did cuss
for another of Zeus' many illegitimate brats was born
leaving Hera an object of desperate Olympian housewives' scorn.

-A poem on the birth of Dionysus
written by Christopher Van Helsing
Monday evening October 3rd 2011.

A Poetic Tribute To Sherlock Holmes

In the mists of a London fog
or traveling across a Yorkshire bog
your pistol and Watson by your side
criminals have nothing to hide
you are the master detective
all others are defective
yours is the master brain
on a ship or on a train
you make fools of Scotland Yard
leaving Lestrade's jaw jarred
in amazement
Esterhazy gent
or forged letter
you're always the better
one can't put a fetter
on your skill
when it comes to thrill
you plunge serpents down a hill
whether it's the great speckled band
or pickpockets along the Strand
you fought with Moriarty over some watery falls
showing that evil mastermind you've got balls
Col. Sebastian Moran you put to sleep
only Irene Adler made you weep.

-A poetic tribute to Sherlock Holmes
written by Christopher Van Helsing
Sunday evening October 2nd 2011

More News On Hurricane Ophelia

More News On Hurricane Ophelia
Brought to you by the Christopher Van Helsing News Network

Announcer: The existentially angst ridden Danish prince who was blown away by Hurricane Ophelia last night has been found... in a nunnery... the discovery was made by the Mother Superior when she discovered that one of the toilet seats had been left up....