The Pigeon Who Ate Manhattan

It was December the 21st

and people's fears

were for the worst

as a giant pigeon

named Mountbatten

ate all of Manhattan.

Why weren't we warned?

people cried

Before pigeon swallowed

and they died.

For you see my friend

at Manhattan's end

it was the Mayan

who flunked math

having fallen asleep

in the bath

who designed that calendar

that once set the world aflur

but he missed the mark

by a hundred years

having drunk

a hundred beers

and December 21st 2112

came as a surprise

to New York's jive and jell.

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:35 PM Pacific Standard Time

 Friday December 21st 2012.

The World Has Indeed Changed On 12-12-12

Wedding on the beach today

here at English Bay

photographer takes picture

of the happy couple

with waves in the background.

The couple approaches-

the groom-

the one with the flower

in his lapel-

is a dead ringer

for Santa Claus-

long white hair-

long white beard-

if he was in a red and white suit

and was driven by reindeer

in a sleigh-

there would be no question about it-

the man is Santa Claus!

Then I look at the bride-

also wearing a pant suit-

but carrying the floral bouquet-

is likewise a guy!

The world has changed in 2012

on 12-12-12

... it turns out...

... that Santa Claus is gay-

and he's chosen

the pre-Christmas Advent season of 2012

to come out of the closet.

The presumably now divorced Mrs. Claus

(the woman at the North Pole)

will no doubt be giving interviews

to Barbara Walters 

or Oprah

or Ellen

telling about how her world

was turned upside down

(literally for she will now be moving

to the South Pole)

and how she had no idea 

that her husband was actually gay-

although she did notice he spent 

a lot of time in the closet

with his male elves

and a whole bunch of toys.

Now that he was out of the closet,

she would begin her life anew.

Meanwhile back on the beach,

the out-of-the-closet Santa

takes a call on his mobile phone

from a prankster radio talk show

host in Sydney, Australia

and then the gay Santa

tells the Sydney-based radio talk show host

where he can stick his Christmas tree

(thus for future Christmases-

it will be figures of Australian radio

announcers and not little angels

that will sit atop

the Christmas tree).

Meanwhile on another part of the beach,

a guy dressed as a giant owl

gets his photo taken 

on a log.

He then removes his giant owl head

and starts talking to the photographer,

no doubt saying,

"I think we may have missed 

San Francisco's Bohemian Grove

by a few thousand miles.

Boy, are George W. Bush

and Henry Kissinger

ever going to be pissed."

Well, next year, 

maybe Dubya and Henry Kissinger

will be here

tying the knot at this time.

And so finally

before the curtain falls on the beach

at English Bay,

Sidney Seagull steps on to the sand,

addresses the audience

and quotes a line from an old

Jimmy Buffett song,

"If we couldn't laugh, 

we would all go insane."

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:15 PM Wednesday afternoon

 December 12th 2012.

Sidney Seagull Does Gymnastics

Sidney Seagull doing gymnastics on the cafe roof

passers-by think he's a goof

he puts one foot behind his back

like a boss giving a worker the sack

then stretches the other foot out

as if hitting someone on the snout

Left foot out

right foot out

doing his best to get rid

of his gout.

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:45 PM Monday afternoon

 December 10th 2012

 upon observing a seagull actually doing this

 in reality and coming to the conclusion that

 Vancouver seagulls have got to be the most

 eccentric on the planet.

Canzini Painting Come To Life

When I was a boy

my parents put a large painting

in my room

a painting by

an artist called 

Canzini.

The painting showed

aquamarine blue green waves

crashing against the sea shore-

large whitecaps on the waves-

When I had to leave my dad's house-

I had to leave the Canzini painting behind

because it was too large for me to take-

it was large

and it was wide

and it filled up half the wall

of my room.

One of the many things I miss

about living in Dad's old house

is that old Canzini painting-

but today-

-on this day-

-on English Bay-

the Canzini painting has come to life-

large aquamarine blue-green waves

crash against the shore-

with large whitecaps on the waves.

-written by Christopher

 1:32 PM Friday afternoon

 December 7th 2012

Sidney Seagull's Heineken Beer Commercial

Sidney Seagull:  Hello.  The name's Seagull.  Sidney Seagull.

Most people think of me as just another squawking high-flying scavenger bird on the beach at English Bay.

But would you believe I'm actually a dashing debonair secret agent?

Red Herring Gull (in background):  I find that very hard to believe.

Sidney Seagull:  Excuse me a minute my friends...

(pulls out a gun and shoots Red Herring Gull)

(Red Herring Gull falls to the ground on the sandy beach)

Sidney Seagull:  Don't worry my friends.  It's only a tranquilizer dart not real bullets. 

I've only got my Learner's Permit and not my full License To Kill yet.

Whale (landing on the beach):  Say Sidney, with a last name like Segal, that means you're Jewish right?

Sidney Seagull:  No, I'm not Jewish.  My last name is spelled differently from the Jewish Segals.

Whale (turning pale which is unusual colouring for a killer whale):   You're not Jewish?

Sidney: No, I'm not.

Whale (screaming):  Someone get this bomb I've strapped to my back off me.  I knew I'd probably be a total screw-up when I decided to join al-Qaeda.

Sidney (flipping through his secret agent's manual):  Hm. Let's see now... how to get a strapped bomb off a whale's back... I never did get around to studying for this part of my License To Kill Or Not To Kill test...

Whale (sobbing):  I knew converting to the militant faction of any religion would be the last thing I'd ever do...

(he suddenly hears a click on the bomb)

Whale:  Oops! I guess converting to the militant faction of any religion IS the last thing I'd do...

(Bomb blows the whale sky high)

Greenpeace activist (on the beach):  Oh no. One of our militant eco-activists must have just bombed the wrong target.

Sidney Seagull:  Don't try this at home, kids.

Moving right along now, as the dashing debonair secret service agent that I am, I'm here to do a Heineken beer commercial.

After all, if Daniel Craig can do one, why can't I?

(Sidney Seagull puts on a white suit jacket, white dress shirt and black bow tie and strolls up to the bar)

Sidney Seagull:  The name's Seagull. Sidney Seagull.

I like my Heineken shaken not stirred.

(The bartender shakes the bottle of Heineken beer and when Sidney opens it, it explodes and the beer goes all over Sidney's suit jacket, shirt and bow tie)

Sidney: On second thought, that wasn't such a brilliant order.

Director of the Commercial (shouting off-set) :  Sidney, get to the final line of the commercial, will you?

Sidney Seagull (holding up the empty bottle of Heineken beer) :  I don't drink beer often but when I do, I prefer Heineken.

Director (shouting) : Cut! Cut!

(steps on to the set and shouts at Sidney)

Director: You idiot! You're fired! 

Sidney:  Oops!  Wrong line!  Wrong commercial!

Red Herring Gull (raising his head):  Did I just hear Sidney say that he doesn't drink beer often?...

                                         (The End -

                            of Sidney Seagull's career doing commercials

                                               for Heineken)

Sarah Palin Meets Sidney Seagull

"I can see Russia from my house,"

said Sarah Palin

when she went whalin'.

"Whaling is politically incorrect,"

said Sidney

as he passed a stone

from his kidney.

"I was never one for being PC,"

Sarah drank party tea.

"Same here," 

Sidney sipped beer,

"I'm a Mac user myself-

Apple products 

are the way to health."

"An apple a day

keeps the doctor away,"

said Sarah

as she sailed the Bay.

"I understand

your hairdresser's gay,"

Sidney drank

spilled drinks off the tray.

"Yes, but he keeps my hair looking neat

even when I was under John McCain's feet."

Quipped Sidney,

"That Mitt Romney

turned out to be a bummer."

"And to think 

people said I was dumber,"

Sarah leapt from the boat

to her Hummer.

Cried Sidney,

"This boat's leaking,

someone call a plumber."

-written by Christopher

 1:05 PM Wednesday afternoon

 December 5th 2012.

Sidney Seagull Has Been Hitting The Bottle

Sidney Seagull slanted at an angle

bent sideways like drunken triangle

Said Red Herring Gull,

"Sidney, you've been drinking,"

"No, just positive thinking,"

the seagull replied.

The herring gull sighed,

"And does the Secret lie in a bottle?".

"Oh, such twattle!"

Sidney harrumphed

before hitting the ground

with a "bumph!".

"It's pronounced bump!".

"Red, don't be a grump!"

were Sidney's last words

before he passed out.

A whale on the beach asked,

"Anyone seen a drunken sprout?".

-written by Christopher

 circa 1:45 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012.

The Laughing Seagull

Sidney Seagull gave a hearty laugh

before diving into the ocean

for a bath.

-written by Christopher

 circa 2:12 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012

Sidney Seagull's Day At The Beach

Sidney Seagull sat on a stick in the ocean,

"Now all I need is some suntan lotion

and a fast-acting sleeping potion."

-written by Christopher

 circa 2:20 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012

The Grooming of Sidney Seagull

Sidney Seagull scratching himself

like a cracked LP record off the shelf

A scratch here,

A scratch there,

"Now I think

I look pretty fair."

-written by Christopher

 circa 2:25 PM Monday afternoon

 December 3rd 2012