Sidney Seagull Sings Don't Cry For Me, Transylvania

Announcer:  Welcome to the first ever episode of Seagull Idol where seagulls get the chance to strut their stuff and show the world how talented they are...

... our first contestant hails from English Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Mr. Sidney Seagull...

(applause from audience)

Announcer: And our first judge is recently elected Pope Francis...

(audience applauds as Pope Francis gives his Apostolic Blessing)

Announcer: Our second judge is recently defeated U.S. Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney...

(no one applauds)

Mitt Romney  (waving at announcer):  Couldn't you just refer to me as Gov. Mitt Romney?

Announcer:  No, I couldn't, recently defeated U.S. Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney...

(Romney sighs)

Announcer:   And our third judge has judged talent shows in both the United States and the United Kingdom, Mr. Simon Cowell...

(Both applause and boos from the audience)

Announcer:  Okay, Mr. Sidney Seagull, what are you going to sing for us tonight?

Sidney Seagull:   A song I wrote myself called Don't Cry For Me, Transylvania.  It's sung to the tune of Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.

(Both Pope Francis and Mitt Romney look interested while Simon Cowell buries his head in his hands)

Sidney (singing):

I won't be sneezy

at home on the range

when I explain how to cook eel

to your turtle dove

You won't believe me

All you will see is a gull you once knew

how he ever did his nails

was never quite clear to you.

(Simon Cowell starts sliding down his chair)

I had to let it happen

I had to change

couldn't wear the same shirt

though it matched my high-heel

(Cowell starts sliding under the table)

Flying out of the window

with a stolen hamburger bun

so I chose seadom

an ocean with a view

and a rocky sea wall

and mountains so blue...

(Cowell collapses to the floor)

Don't cry for me, Transylvania

the truth is I'm not a vampire

so my pants are on fire

and thus I'll fly higher

I'll keep my drawers

but at a great distance.

(Cowell starts banging his head on the floor)

And as for fortune and as for fame

I invited them in

but they got lost

along with my bottle of gin

(Cowell starts scratching his nails on the floor)

It seemed they were all I desired

that and a sports car fully-tired

but in all the confusion

I lost my contact lens solution

after hitting a tree

and when I played touch football

I blew out out my knee.

(Simon Cowell shrieks in agony)

Don't cry for me, Transylvania.

The truth is I'm not a vampire

so my pants are on fire

and thus I'll fly higher

I'll keep my drawers 

but at a great distance.

Have I sang too much?

(Simon Cowell nods yes)

There's nothing more I can sing to you?

(Cowell shouts aloud, God no!)

but all you have to do

is look at me to know

I'll sing 'till I'm blue...

(Simon Cowell loads a semi-automatic rifle and fires at Sidney. 

Sidney falls to the stage)

Sidney Seagull's friend Red Herring Gull (backstage):

He's just faking it. Good thing I told Sidney to wear a bullet proof vest before going on.

(Meanwhile in the Oval Office of the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama wipes his brow)

Barack Obama (wiping his brow):  Good thing Simon took out his semi-automatic and used it when he did.

I was about to sign an Executive Order authorizing a drone attack on that bird.

And the Republicans in Congress would have had a field day if they knew I authorized a drone attack on an American citizen on American soil...

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry:  Actually, Mr. President, that bird is really a Canadian citizen on American soil...

Obama:  Good God.  (He sees Sidney Seagull rising up on the stage waving both a bulletproof vest and a white flag).  Send in the drones then.  Someone's got to pay for this ringing in my ears.

                                           THE END.

-Another Sidney Seagull fiasco
 written by Christopher
 Saturday evening
 March 16th 2013