Sidney Seagull's Heineken Beer Commercial

Sidney Seagull:  Hello.  The name's Seagull.  Sidney Seagull.

Most people think of me as just another squawking high-flying scavenger bird on the beach at English Bay.

But would you believe I'm actually a dashing debonair secret agent?

Red Herring Gull (in background):  I find that very hard to believe.

Sidney Seagull:  Excuse me a minute my friends...

(pulls out a gun and shoots Red Herring Gull)

(Red Herring Gull falls to the ground on the sandy beach)

Sidney Seagull:  Don't worry my friends.  It's only a tranquilizer dart not real bullets. 

I've only got my Learner's Permit and not my full License To Kill yet.

Whale (landing on the beach):  Say Sidney, with a last name like Segal, that means you're Jewish right?

Sidney Seagull:  No, I'm not Jewish.  My last name is spelled differently from the Jewish Segals.

Whale (turning pale which is unusual colouring for a killer whale):   You're not Jewish?

Sidney: No, I'm not.

Whale (screaming):  Someone get this bomb I've strapped to my back off me.  I knew I'd probably be a total screw-up when I decided to join al-Qaeda.

Sidney (flipping through his secret agent's manual):  Hm. Let's see now... how to get a strapped bomb off a whale's back... I never did get around to studying for this part of my License To Kill Or Not To Kill test...

Whale (sobbing):  I knew converting to the militant faction of any religion would be the last thing I'd ever do...

(he suddenly hears a click on the bomb)

Whale:  Oops! I guess converting to the militant faction of any religion IS the last thing I'd do...

(Bomb blows the whale sky high)

Greenpeace activist (on the beach):  Oh no. One of our militant eco-activists must have just bombed the wrong target.

Sidney Seagull:  Don't try this at home, kids.

Moving right along now, as the dashing debonair secret service agent that I am, I'm here to do a Heineken beer commercial.

After all, if Daniel Craig can do one, why can't I?

(Sidney Seagull puts on a white suit jacket, white dress shirt and black bow tie and strolls up to the bar)

Sidney Seagull:  The name's Seagull. Sidney Seagull.

I like my Heineken shaken not stirred.

(The bartender shakes the bottle of Heineken beer and when Sidney opens it, it explodes and the beer goes all over Sidney's suit jacket, shirt and bow tie)

Sidney: On second thought, that wasn't such a brilliant order.

Director of the Commercial (shouting off-set) :  Sidney, get to the final line of the commercial, will you?

Sidney Seagull (holding up the empty bottle of Heineken beer) :  I don't drink beer often but when I do, I prefer Heineken.

Director (shouting) : Cut! Cut!

(steps on to the set and shouts at Sidney)

Director: You idiot! You're fired! 

Sidney:  Oops!  Wrong line!  Wrong commercial!

Red Herring Gull (raising his head):  Did I just hear Sidney say that he doesn't drink beer often?...

                                         (The End -

                            of Sidney Seagull's career doing commercials

                                               for Heineken)