The Lantern and The Lighthouse

South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan looked at the blonde man standing on the pier.

He was Dracul Van Helsing a Canadian vampire hunter.

He was often asked how he got his name.

The response Dracul gave often got a number of laughs even though it was true.

His mother Nadja Van Helsing had been a Romanian Communist (in fact she died protesting the fall of the Berlin Wall when it fell down on top of her on November 9th, 1989).

Being a Communist, she was naturally a great believer in Hegelian dialectics. So taking for a thesis the name Dracula (the notorious Transylvanian vampire) and Van Helsing (her husband had been a direct descendent of Dr. Abraham Van Helsing the man who had slain Dracula) as antithesis- she combined the two together to come up for a synthesis- Dracul Van Helsing.

In other words, Dracula (thesis) + Van Helsing (antithesis) = Dracul Van Helsing (synthesis)

Hyung and Dracul had made quite the vampire hunting team- slaying vampires all over the world the past few years.

Their major rival was the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set whom neither Dracul nor Hyung had ever come close to staking.

Set's chief of security and corporate espionage was a shapeshifting hamster by the name of Renfield R. Renfield (the R stood for Renfield).

Another man they had encountered on occasion in Set's employ was the genetically cloned individual Amadeus Emanon.
Amadeus had been genetically cloned from locks of hair belonging to composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.

Having this DNA combination seemed to have lead to a lot of intense personal conflicts within Amadeus' own personality and character.

"Dracul?" Hyung asked as her white dress blew swiftly around her in the intense storm and crashing waves, "don't you think we should go up to the lighthouse before the rain hits?".

"Yes," Dracul agreed when he had finished staking a vampire who tried to crawl on to the pier, "just giving a surprise guest a stake sandwich."

"You deserve a spanking later for telling such a bad pun," Hyung admonished as she held tightly on to her skirt.

"I agree," Dracul picked up the lantern and started walking in the direction of the lighthouse.

As the two figures walked up to the lighthouse, another figure on a small boat gazed at them through binoculars.

"I'm soaked thoroughly," Renfield chattered through clenched teeth.

"I'm not," Amadeus Emanon munched on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, "I remembered to bring along my umbrella.
I feel quite safe under my umbrella." He turned up the volume of the Rihanna song he was playing on his iPod.


To be continued.

Vampire of the Lingnan

The Lingnan was a successful Chinese restaurant owned by Leonard Ling.

On this particular evening, the famous Irish-Romanian vampire Baron O' Nescu came strolling through the door.

"Baron O' Nescu," Mr. Ling stammered, "I hope you haven't come to bite any of our customers."

"Ever since the movie Twilight came out," Baron O' Nescu explained, "I've become a vegetarian which is currently all the rage among vampires. So no, I won't be feeding on any of your customers."

"That's a relief," Mr. Ling handed a menu to Vanessa one of the servers, "table for one for Baron O' Nescu."

"I'll have the Black Bean and Tofu soup," Baron O' Nescu remarked to Vanessa after a lengthy inspection of the menu.

Later Vanessa brought Baron O' Nescu the Black Bean and Tofu soup which the Baron wolfed down with apparent delight.

"That was delicious," the Baron licked his fangs before falling face forward dead into the empty bowl of soup.

"The Baron has died after eating the Black Bean and Tofu soup," Vanessa shrieked.

"Gee, I hope I didn't put too much garlic in the soup," the Lingnan's soup chef Harry Woo remarked.

The End.

Vegetarians of The Caribbean

(Scene: A beach in the Caribbean. The notorious pirate captain with big ears Captain Jack O' Harrow a jack rabbit is standing on the beach waving desperately to passing boats to pick him up)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: S.O.S! SOS! S.O.S!

(A yacht passes by playing the ABBA song "Darling, can't you hear me, S.O.S" on its loud speakers but ignores the jumping jack rabbit)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: I should never have poured saltpeter down the pants of the President of the British East India Company. I should have known that Governor Swann the governor of St. Kitz was in his pocket.

(Paris Hilton parachutes on to the beach wearing an extremely short cocktail mini dress and a pair of Armani pump stilettos)

Captain Jack O' Harrow (shielding his eyes): Oh, God! I think I'm blind.

(A yacht passes by playing the Stevie Wonder song, "There's a place in the sun where there's hope for everyone... got to find me a place in the sun...")

Paris Hilton: Captain Sparrow? Are you there? Captain Sparrow, where are you? Calling Captain Jack Sparrow!

Captain O' Harrow: The name is Captain Jack O' Harrow! There's no Captain Sparrow here.

Paris Hilton: But I thought I was going to be appearing with Johnny Depp? What are you? A bunny? You're not even a Playboy bunny at that.

Captain O' Harrow: Well, I wouldn't say that. You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Paris Hilton: You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Captain O' Harrow: I already have. That was the night the club DJ was getting great laughs from the crowd reading that line from Edward Lear's poem The Owl and The Pussycat, "What a beautiful..."

Paris Hilton (pouting): I was wanting to star alongside Johnny Depp... hmpff!

Captain O'Harrow: Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth! Depp only acts with depth!

Paris Hilton: What do you mean Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth? That Depp only acts with depth? I could get some depth if I wanted to. Um... do you know where I could buy it?
Say, isn't that what the country and the banking system is in now? Debth?

Captain O' Harrow: Well if President Obama had a lisp, that would certainly be the way he'd put it.

Paris Hilton: Well, I've decided I'm not going to appear in this movie. (picks up her cell phone) Lindsay, get me out of here.

(A cocktail dress wearing Lindsay Lohan wearing cocktails all over her dress appears in a yacht and roars up the beach wrapping the boat and herself around a coconut tree)

(A coconut falls on top of her head)

Harry Belafonte (walking along the beach and singing):

Coconut woman is calling out
and everyday you can hear her shout
Get your coconut water
Man, it's good for your daughter...

Captain Jack O' Harrow (running up to Mr. Belafonte): Harry, please get me off this island of nuts... coco and otherwise!


The End.

Jack O' Hare Private Eye

(Scene: Office of Jack O' Hare Private Eye. Jack O' Hare is a jack rabbit with two big enormous ears sticking out of his fedora hat. A woman walks in wearing a low-cut blouse, tight skirt and spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. The woman looks a lot like a young Rita Hayworth)

Woman: Are you Jack O'Hare Private Eye?

Jack O'Hare: I am.

Woman: But you're a bunny rabbit?

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: Well, I suppose that's okay seeing as how Easter is just around the corner.

Jack O'Hare: Yes but I hope you're not wanting me to lay any coloured eggs. That's just a myth like the theory that says man evolved out of a group of animals going back to an amoeba which in turn evolved out of nothing.

Woman: What are those two big things sticking up out of your hat?

Jack O' Hare: My ears.

Woman: Wow. What enormously big ears you have.

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: I have something to get off my chest.

Jack O'Hare: That looks like two things you have to get off your chest.

Woman: I must confess they're not real. I had a lot of help from Silicone Valley.

Jack O'Hare: From Silicone Valley? And to think my stock broker had told me that computer stocks had flattened out.

Woman: Well, there's nothing flat about these.

Jack O'Hare: I'll say.

Woman: My fiancee's been kidnapped.

Jack O'Hare: I see. And what's your fiancee's name?

Woman: Charles Lindbergh Jr.

Jack O'Hare: Charles Lindbergh Jr.? But he was kidnapped almost 80 years ago!

Woman: He was? Wow! He must be old then. This is the last time I'm going to get my family to arrange a marriage for me.

Jack O'Hare: He's not only old. He's dead. He was murdered by his kidnapper.

Woman: Dead? Well that does it, this IS definitely the last time my family is arranging a marriage for me.

(struts off on her heels and walks out the door)

Jack O' Hare: Wow! That was the fastest case I''ve ever solved.

(pours himself a glass of bourbon)

Jack O' Hare (raising a toast to himself in the mirror): To the quick...

(he then raises a toast to a missing kid's picture on a milk carton that had
not been thrown out in a very long time)

Jack O'Hare: And the dead.


The End.

The Joker

Somewhere beneath those lights of Gotham
down there in the depths of Hell
where rats walk
and broken souls do dwell
sits the Joker
his grimacing smile a spell.

Like a spider rising from his web
he moves like a virtual Undead
oh, what a tale could be told
beneath his smile so eery bold
his eyes dark and shadowy
his laugh a demon's cacophony
his face white as the moon
his lips red like battlefields
covered on the Day of Doom.

His heart is a castle dark
devoid of life
or any spark
his sole mission now
is to bring the Batman down.

And so on this moonlit night
where wolf howls give you fright
and the birds they do not sing
only vultures circling
and Death's skull rides his horse
Hope's rays have gone off course.

The Joker dances in the street
odd cloven hooves for feet
to a dreadful dreary beat
no soul, just body heat.

And now Batman you must hear
the Joker's laughing jeer
you knew this time would come
to face the final drum.

And on the streets of Gotham today
underneath clouds cold and gray
the Batman met his end
a message to Robin one must send.

So Fate has shuffled his deck of cards
like mannequins at Mme. Toussard's
the Joker has beaten the Ace
woe betide Gotham's human race.


-The Joker
a poem written on this Feast of Fools
Wednesday, April 1st 2009
by Dracul Van Helsing