Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win the Race?

Why The Tortoise Was Able To Win
The Race?
A commercial for CNN News
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 30th, 2007

Voice of CNN Announcer:

It was hailed as the race of the century...

even though it was a sure win for one of the
two participants...

...the hard-drinking Guinness imbibing skirt chasing
Chicago Irish-American hare...

Mr. Blarney Airport O'Hare...

... and on the other side...

... the slow-moving slower than molasses in January tortoise...

... Mr. Terry Tortoise...

... then on that hot day in early July...

... the result that stunned the world...

... Terry Tortoise defeated Blarney Airport O'Hare...

... in the 1,500 metre dash...

... hares everywhere were crushed...

... in fact they couldn't sell Rabbit Stew fast enough
off Walmart shelves...

...tortoises everywhere were rejoicing...

... and buying up Nike running shoes faster than they
were buying up Life Insurance policies...

... then the news last week that sent every tortoise crawling
back into his shell...

... the results of the drug test...

... Terry Tortoise had been using steroids...

... Tonight on the next Larry King...

Larry King: Why the tortoise was able to win the race?...

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry Tortoise's manager...

Larry: Did you suspect anything?

Terry's manager: Well, I suppose I should have become suspicious when
I saw him shooting up with needles. But I thought... I just thought...
he was a heroin addict. I'd never dream he'd be using steroids...

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry's mother...

Larry: What do you have to say about Terry?

Terry's mother (blubbbering): Well Terry was always a good boy.
He never did anything wrong in his life. He always won the Boy
Scout Award each year for helping little old ladies across the street.
He was voted the epitome of Honesty and Integrity in the High School
Yearbook. I always instilled him with the highest moral values possible.
His teachers and his coaches never had anything bad to say about him.
Everyone praised him. He was last year's winner of the Citizen of the Year Award.

Larry: And now he's been busted as a steroid junkie... he cheated to win
this race...

Terry's mother (nodding): Yes, that's right!...

Announcer: Larry talks to Terry's best friend...

Larry: What sort of guy was Terry?

Terry's best friend: Terry was the type of tortoise who'd give
you the shirt off his back...

Larry (pointing out): But tortoises don't wear shirts on
their backs...

Terry's best friend: Well in Terry's case, it was because he gave it
to someone...

Announcer: And following Larry King... on Anderson Cooper's 360...

360 Program Announcer... It's not only athletes who are letting America
down...

Anderson Cooper: Former US President Bill Clinton tests positive for Viagara
use...

360 Program Announcer: The former President breaks down and tells all
in the booth of a small New York City diner...

Bill Clinton (weeping and crying and sobbing as he laments to
Anderson Cooper): Oh, for the days when I was able to successfully
cause laundry stains without any pharmaceutical help...

Voice of CNN Announcer: On the next Anderson Cooper 360...

What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?

What Really Happened Aboard The Mary Celeste?

My friend Sapna has observed that I like to make up my own
joke one-liners.

That is very true!

I also like to write my own TV commercials.

And it occurred to me that I hadn't done that in a while.

So I decided to write one tonight.

TV Commercial Written
by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 28th, 2007
Name of commercial:
What really happened aboard the Mary Celeste?

Scene: As a ship is shown tossed to and fro in the
midst of a terrible storm, the narrator's voice spookily intones:

On November 7th, 1872 under the command of Captain
Benjamin Briggs, the ship Mary Celeste set sail from Staten
Island, New York to Genoa, Italy...

But...

She never reached her destination...

(spooky organ music hits crescendo in background)

The narrator's voice continues to spookily intone:

On the evening of December 4th to 5th, 1872, she was found adrift
in Atlantic Ocean waters headed straight towards the Strait of Gibraltor.

No one was found aboard the ship save a single cat.

The ship had been abandoned for some mysterious reason...

(Voice of ghostly laughter is heard in the background)

(Scene: A huge burly sweating perspiring sailor of a man
can be seen boarding a ship marked Mary Celeste)

Voice of TV commercial announcer: Have you ever considered
what might happen if your underarm deodorant protection breaks
down?

Voice of narrator: The ship Mary Celeste set sail... never reached
her destination... the ship had been abandoned for some mysterious
reason...

Voice of TV commercial announcer: Please use Old Spice underarm
deodorant... the kind made for men of the sea...

T-Bone For A T-Rex

T-Bone For A T-Rex

So my dad and I visited the town of Three Hills Alberta
last week.
Many many years ago my dad taught in a one-room
country schoolhouse just south of there.
The name of the school was appropriately enough Gumbo
(the mud would often get quite sticky in the rain).
Anyways the Gumbo School District had joined up
with the Three Hills Rural School District to put on a joint
school re-union party to which my dad was invited.

The town of Three Hills is not far from the Red Deer River
Badlands where more dinosaur fossils have been found than
anywhere else in the world.
So my dad and I spent quite a bit of time exploring the Badlands.
We visited Dry Island Buffalo Jump Canyon, Big Valley, the town of
Carbon (where my great-grandfather had once owned the horse livery
stables) and also the City of Drumheller which is considered the heart
of the Red Deer River Dinosaur Valley (Drumheller is also my birthplace).

Anyways while I was down there I thought up the following story
about a mad scientist trying to bring dinosaurs back to life:

T-Bone For A T-Rex
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 18th, 2007


Doctor Faustus Ashmole told the group of frightened schoolchildren,
"The dragons and the terrible lizards shall live again! Mwahhaha!".

The schoolchildren had been listening to a lecture delivered by
Doctor Ashmole in the world famous Royal Tyrrel Museum of
Paleontology in the City of Drumheller, Alberta, Canada.

But Doctor Ashmole had been delivering his lecture in such a way
that it would have made any mad scientist played by Bela Lugosi come across
like a limp-wristed pansy in comparison.

By the time the sinister Ashmole had finished his talk, 100% of
the schoolchildren had to run to the washroom.

So for that matter did 100% of the teachers.

"Well, Doctor Ashmole," Tom Lynch a local rancher spoke up,
"you really had those kids scared... "

"Shift is over," Mike one of the young guides at the Museum
was beaming like Paris Hilton at the end of a Spelling lesson
in Grade school.

Doctor Ashmole and Tom Lynch went back to Doctor Ashmole's
custom built medieval looking castle near Fingerless Gulch
in the Badlands.

Tom, I want to show you something," the doctor spoke.

He took Tom to the front of the castle and pushed a button.

A cage carrying a live T-Rex rose up out of the earth.

"Look at what I've created through my DNA experiments," Doctor
Ashmole cackled like Ozzy Osbourne on steroids.

"My God," Tom Lynch looked in horror, "you've created a monster."

"I know," Doctor Ashmole laughed like a glue-sniffing Donald Trump,
"US Vice-President Dick Cheney has named me to the Board of
Directors of one of the companies he owns."

Doctor Ashmole pushed another button and the cage door opened
and the T-Rex went running off through the Badlands.

"What have you done?" Tom Lynch drove back to his ranch house and
grabbed a rifle and followed the T-Rex tracks hoping to catch the
terrible lizard.

The T-Rex meanwhile had stumbled into the illegal bootleg liquor still of
a man they called Shady Green.

The T-Rex drank all of Shady's 60-year-old bootleg whisky.

"That's all we need," Tom Lynch thought to himself, "a drunken T-Rex."

The intoxicated T-Rex had meanwhile headed into the direction of a steak
barbeque being held at the Three Hills Rural Schoolhouse.

The T-Rex then grabbed the T-bone steak belonging to a 90-year-old woman
named Pearl Lammle.


"That beast took my T-bone," Pearl pointed.

"A T-bone for a T-Rex," a Geopolitical analyst on the scene observed.

"Walker or no walker, I'm going after him," Pearl got up out of her walker
and grabbed her daughter Rosalie's umbrella, "no old fossil is going to steal
my steak and get away with it."

By the time Tom Lynch had arrived on the scene, the intoxicated T-Rex
had been knocked out cold by repeated blows on the head from the Pearl
handled umbrella.

"That T-Rex has been knocked out like a chicken," Pearl's son Donal
observed.

"Some chicken, some umbrella," the Geopolical analyst spoke in
his Sir Winston Churchill voice.

As Tom nodded, a retired schoolteacher spoke up, "Just like an old rooster
named Lord Tom Noddy, he's been knocked out by a woman's umbrella."

Doctor Faustus Ashmole pulled up on his Harley-Davidson and noticed
his T-Rex comatose on the ground.

"Well Ashmole," Tom spoke, "it looks like your chickens have really come
home to roost."


THE END.

Poem For Harry Potter

Poem For Harry Potter

A Poem For Harry Potter
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
written July 21st, 2007
The date of release of
J.K. Rowling's 7th and
final Harry Potter book
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter you're a wizard kid
doin' things a wizard should
forever scarred by Voldemort
scarred on your forehead
in your soul
gawked at by people whereever you go.

You lost your father, mother
forced to live with muggles cruel
your life's a stool
till you reached Hogwarts
set you free
or so it seemed
but Voldemort won't let you go.

Killed Sirius and Dumbledore
sometimes turned your friends into foe
you had nowhere to go.
And now you must stop and face him now
Fight the foe!
For he'll never let you go.

Harry Potter you're a wizard kid
doin' things a wizard should
forever scarred by Voldemort
scarred on your forehead
in your soul
gawked at by people whereever you go.

The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl

The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
A song written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 25th, 2007
to the tune of the old Irish song
The Wild Colonial Boy

There was a wild Lindsay Lohan girl, Lindsay Lohan was her name
when it came to finding cocaine, she claimed she'd been framed
She was not doing dope, her car just went for a twirl
and dearly did the tabloids love the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

At the early age of sixteen years, she had more than a thousand beers
and to California traffic laws, she gave several bronx cheers
She went up on the sidewalk running over Patrolman Merle
a terror to the highways was the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

One fine evening as Lindsay rode along
she threw out the window her very thin thong
Three mounted troopers charged her down
this drunken airheaded clown
as she went out for a whirl
the trap was sprung to capture her
the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.


Surrender now, Lindsay Lohan, you see it's three to one
Surrender now Lindsay Lohan, a DUI isn't fun
She threw two panties and a belt and cursed Officer Merle
I'll scream and pout forever cried the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

She swore at trooper Kelly and almost ran him down
And charging on to Davis, he was forced to hit the ground
A bullet pierced through her bra as she ran down Officer Merle
and that's the way they captured her, the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

The Prince In The Fortress

The Prince In The Fortress
July 9th, 2007 at 8:15 pm (Poetry)

by DraculVanHelsing
In the fortress atop the mountain
lived a mighty prince
and other princes and kings
tried to beseige his fortress
but failed.
One day a beautiful young girl
walked up to the fortress
carrying flowers that she had
picked in the meadow herself
As the prince stood atop the tower
she raised her flowers and shouted
to him,
“I love you.”
He opened the gate to his fortress
to her.
Where others had failed,
the young girl had succeeded.
For the prince’s fortress
was his heart.

Posted on: July 09, ‘07




-Written by Dracul Van Helsing, July 9th, 2007