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Dracul Van Helsing

Friday, May 14, 2010

Jack O' Hare As Secret Agent

This is a trailer I wrote for a non-existent movie which opens in theatres nowhere today.

In it the wild hare jack rabbit who lives in my back yard Jack O' Hare plays a secret agent similar to James Bond 007.

Announcer: He's suave...

Jack O' Hare (approaching a cocktail waitress): The name's Hare. Jack... O' Hare.

Announcer: He's sophisticated...

Jack O' Hare (to the same cocktail waitress): I like my carrots raw... not cooked.

Announcer: He's Jack O' Hare...

Jack O' Hare: Agent Double O Nothing.

Announcer: On Her Majesty's Secret Service...

Jack O' Hare: I forget the Queen I'm working for... it's either Elizabeth II or Perez Hilton.

Announcer: On his most dangerous mission yet...

Jack O' Hare: I knew I shouldn't have flown using air miles...

Announcer: He's face to face with one of the world's most dangerous villains... Doctor...

Jack O' Hare's boss at MI-6: Goldbum is his name. He's got a butt made of pure gold. His original rear end was blown off when he accidently sat on a bomb during the First Gulf War...

Miss Bunnypenny (MI-6's Secretary): And now he wants to rule the world... world domination all over again... what an asshole...

Jack O' Hare: But a very priceless asshole. Did you see what the price of gold just shot up to on the stock markets this week?

Announcer: Trapped on a desert island with dozens of beautiful women...

One of the many beautiful women on the island: My, what big ears you have, Mr. O' Hare...

Jack O' Hare: It's not only my ears that are big...

Announcer: And the evil megalomaniacal billionaire Doctor Goldbum...

Doctor Goldbum (smoking an expensive Cuban cigar): Let me ask you something Mr. O' Hare before I throw you into a den of wild coyotes... how many men do you know who can shit pure gold?...

Announcer: Doctor Goldbum... another adventure of Jack O' Hare... Agent Double O Nothing... coming soon to a theatre near you.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Western Ballad of Jack O' Hare

This is a western ballad poem I wrote about my friend the wild hare jack rabbit who lives in my back yard that I call Jack O' Hare.



The Western Ballad of Jack O' Hare



There was a stranger came into town

wearin' a smile and not a frown

big ears was his claim to fame

Jack O' Hare was his name

but Old Butch ran the town

one had to kiss his ass so brown

but not Jack as he went around.



From saloon to barber shop Jack went

his fur wild and unkempt

from butcher to baker

to candlestick maker

he even called Old Butch a faker.



Well that was that

Old Butch screamed, what a rat.

T'wasn't long before the showdown

after Butch's girl did Jack in a blowdown

Screamed Butch, This town ain't big enough for the both of us

replied Jack, if you hurry, you can catch the last Greyhound bus.



Well that was that

next day there was to be a gunfight there was

and an undertaker's special just because...



It was high noon

as Butch held his fork and spoon

what kind of weapons are these, he shouted

as Jack pulled up a carrot recently sprouted

"It's improper for a human to eat with his hands

it only falls to us folk wearing the bunny brands".

So one of Hugh Hefner's girls ate with her hands

while some lucky cowboy grinned lying in the sands.

But I want a fight not a meal

he threw down a banana peel

replied Jack, you're as slippery as an eel.

Cried Butch to the gunsmith, Give me my gun

Said Jack to the baker, give me my bun.



A bun, Butch cried, what are you going to do with a bun?

said Jack, watch butter melt on it in the blazing sun

Butch stepped forward with wrath in his eye

slipped on the banana peel under that clear blue sky

and shot his balls off landing in Miss Maple's apple pie.


Now folks still talk about the day Jack O' Hare came into town

and what Miss Maple found dressed in her dressing gown.



- a poem written by Christopher Van Helsing

Thursday, May 13th, 2010



Postscript to the ballad:

Jack O' Hare still haunts the wild woods of the Van Helsing estate.

As for Old Butch, he travels from town to town etching out a living

singing those old Beatles lyrics,

"I'm not half the man I used to be."

Thursday, May 06, 2010

If Xanga and Facebook Had Been Around In 33 AD

Jesus of Nazareth's Facebook page:

Status: Found guilty of treason and sedition in front of Governor Pontius Pilate. Whipped, scourged and Crucified. Now dead and buried in a tomb.

HIGH_PRIEST_CAIAPHAS likes this. (thumbs up)


AnonymousRock(With_Cock_Crowing_In_Background) writes:
You were right. I denied you 3 times. I'm so sorry.

JudasIscariot:

I'm sorry. I'm going to return the 30 pieces of silver and go out and hang myself.


Meanwhile over at Xanga:

TheTheologiansCafe has added a weblog entry: Nazarene Carpenter Crucified (And Not For Overcharging On Furniture Making)

Jesus of Nazareth who claimed to be the Son of God was crucified under Pontius Pilate after a large mob cried for his blood.

In his stead, a known murderer and terrorist insurgent Barabbas was released and let go upon the demands of the crowd.

Do you think Jesus should have been crucified and a terrorist insurgent released instead?

TheTheologiansCafe 5207 views 666 comments


TheTheologiansCafe recommended Paul_Partisan's weblog entry: Why Weep Over A Convicted Criminal Being Crucified? It's A Sign of a Weak Mind

theramblingman recommended SimplyNita's weblog entry: OMG! That's horrible!


OMG! That's horrible!

What about people crucifying Jesus of Nazareth? It says on his Facebook page.
I don't know how people can do that.
How can people be so cruel?

~Nita



Roadlesstaken added a pulse: I'm feeling a little down tonight...

... because Kristin Kreuk hasn't been born yet.

4/3/33 8:07 PM Roadlesstaken TRUE LIFE (message) reply



girl_smileyy added a weblog entry: So here I am in NYC and there's absolutely nothing here

RestlessButterfly added a weblog entry: Hey You! Yeah You! Yo! I'm Talking To You!


Hey You! Yeah You! Yo! I'm Talking To You!

So you still following my blogs around like lovestruck little puppy? You jealous of me because I get more hits than you do? And now you make fun of my Hebrew and Aramaic?

Hey, Hebrew and Aramaic are my 4th and 5th languages. Not my native tongue.

Malay and Iban are my native tongues. English- my 3rd or 4th language (which I'm pretty good in for a language that hasn't been invented yet)...


Meanwhile over at Mancouch:

mancouch@mancouch added a weblog entry: That Mary Magdalene Would Have Looked Totally Hot If She Hadn't Worn Any Clothes At The Crucifixion!

Hey, any of you catch the Crucifixion of that nutcase Jesus on the non-existent CNN? You know the weirdo who thought he was the Son of God and said things like, "If you destroy this Temple, in 3 days I shall raise it up"?.

But hey did you catch that woman Mary Magdalene who knelt at the foot of the Cross?

Wow! Totally hot! Nice pair of knockers.

I wish the Roman centurions had been casting lots for her garments instead of Jesus'.



Meanwhile over at Datingish:

datingish@datingish added a weblog entry: Do you think a Crucifixion is an appropriate place to take a girl on a first date?

I was asked a question by one of my readers. Seems this guy she's been eyeing in the synagogue for many a Sabbath finally got around to asking her out on a date. Only trouble was he took her to see the Crucifixion of some guy named Jesus on their first date.

Now she writes me, Ooh. Gross. I don't know if I feel like going out with him again. Is it just me? Am I being hypersensitive? Or would other girls find it gross to be taken to a Crucifixion for one's first date?

Well how about it ladies? Do you think a Crucifixion is an appropriate place to take a girl on a first date?



Meanwhile over at Lovelyish:

lovelyish@lovelyish added a weblog entry: What kind of shoes should one wear to a Crucifixion?

As more and more couples seem to be going out to see Crucifixions as a cheap, inexpensive and relatively free date in these troubled economic times, women ask me, "What shoes should I wear to go see a Crucifixion?".

It's a good question. After all, Golgotha is a rather tall hill overlooking Jerusalem.

The whole city could possibly look up and see what you're wearing.

There are probably certain shoes you wouldn't want to be caught dead in.

I'd recommend the Retro-Cleopatra Spiked Serpent high-heeled stiletto look which really accentuates the curves of those tight-fitting women's togas which are all the rage in Rome these days...


3 days later over at Xanga again:


TheTheologiansCafe added a weblog entry: Jesus' Status On His Facebook Page Reads Risen From The Dead


Jesus' Status On His Facebook Reads Risen From The Dead

I was just over at Jesus of Nazareth's Facebook page to see how commenters in this age are coping some 2000 years before the advent of grief counsellors.

I noticed his Status update reads Risen From The Dead.

Indeed there are rumours all over Jerusalem saying that an angel came down from the heavens, frightened the Roman guards guarding the tomb and then rolled away the stone.

There are hundreds of rumours of Jesus sightings all over Jerusalem.

What about you?

Do you think Jesus rose from the dead?