Nicht and Night At The Kremlin

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was inside the lab of FSB scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who had been a research scientist for the East German Stasi secret intelligence service until the Fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989).

Dr. Werhoffen had just developed a new genetically modified virus.

This virus was capable when it was injected into a human of entering the bloodstream and then eventually attacking the human brain literally turning the person so infected into a virtual zombie.

"Imagine that, Mr. Prime Minister," Dr. Werhoffen smiled, "turning Mother Russia's enemies into zombies like the plots of so many bad western horror movies."

"This is indeed a major achievement," Prime Minister Putin had to admit.

"So you'd like me to continue working on this project?" Dr. Werhoffen asked.

"By all means," Prime Minister Putin smiled.

The Prime Minister returned to the Kremlin where he once again practiced the song that was making him a superstar sensation on YouTube, "I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill..."

The phone rang.

"Hello," the Prime Minister picked up the receiver.

"Hello," said a sexy, sensuous and sultry voice.

It was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

"I'm just phoning to wish you a Merry Christmas," Qonzilqointec's voice dripped like honey over the phone.

"Feliz Navidad," Putin said in his most impeccable Spanish.

Qonzilqointec answered back, "Feliz Navidad. Gracias."

Putin then told Her Imperial Highness about the breakthrough of one of his scientists in developing a virus that had the power to turn people into virtual zombies.

"Imagine that," Putin chuckled, "a virus that can turn people into virtual zombies."

"I always knew they'd find a replacement for television someday," Qonzilqointec answered.

To be continued.

The Hare In Winter: A Poem

Jack O' Hare blended white
against the backdrop
of frosty night.

He was hopping through the snow
in this temp of zero degrees below
but he was a happy bunny
his mood was sunny
for despite the darkness and the cold
a feeling of cheer did unfold.

For bright lights were everywhere across the land
here and there carolers and a band
the trees were draped in snow and white
and everywhere a Christmas light.

What this spectacle meant Jack did not know
but he was one to go with the flow.
He hopped to Jingle Bells
and danced on wishing wells.
He hopped here
he hopped there
and wished good evening to a mare
as it pulled a one-horse open sleigh
full of cheery people on their way

to a merry party of good cheer
with rum and eggnog and lots of beer.
Jack watched along with a deer
and when the party was done
Jack thought "What fun"
and went for a run
and skipped and danced with the doe and fawn
and greeted morning with a yawn.

But this time only comes once a year
so why not sing and dance
and be of good cheer?

-A Christmas poem about Jack O' Hare
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday, December 19th 2010.

The Piano In The Museum

The Piano In The Museum
A short story
written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Saturday, December 11th, 2010



Tom sat at the admission desk at the front of the Museum.

There weren't too many people visiting the Museum today 2 weeks before Christmas Day.

They would be hoarding through stores and shopping malls picking up gifts for the transient present (gifts that for the most part would probably be forgotten or ignored 6 months down the road into the future) rather than looking at relics from the past.

There had been only 4 visitors to the Museum today.

A mother and her 2 children (a boy and a girl).

The boy when he saw an old Underwood antique typewriter asked his mother, "Here's the keyboard. Where's the computer screen?".

The other visitor had been an elderly gentleman.

The mother and her children had only stayed in the Museum 20 minutes.

"I want to go to McDonald's," whined the boy.

"I want to do some more shopping," said the girl.

As there were 2 females in the party and only 1 male, shopping won out as the next part of action for the day.

The man had arrived 3 hours ago and was still poking around the exhibits of the Museum even as Tom looked at the clock and saw that it was just another 20 minutes until closing time.

Tom shut his eyes for a second and momentarily dozed off.

He awoke to the sound of piano playing.

What the?-

Tom couldn't recall any tune on his ipod that consisted solely of piano playing.

There were generally other instruments as well or at least vocals.

Then Tom realized he wasn't wearing the ear phones that went with his ipod.

The piano playing was coming from a corner of the Museum.

Tom got up and walked over to where the music was being played.

It was the old man sitting at the piano playing the keys with the natural talent of a piano virtuoso.

"Oh, sorry," the old man looked at Tom, "I suppose I shouldn't be touching any of the exhibits."

"That's all right," Tom said, "the curator doesn't work Saturdays. It doesn't bother me none. I didn't know this piano could play myself. I never heard it being played before. I just assumed that it was broken. That's why someone donated it to the Museum I figured."

"She still plays beautifully," the old man looked lovingly down at the keys.

"She does," Tom had to admit having heard the piano being played.

"I once played with a live band," said the old man.

"Really?" Tom was impressed, "would I have heard of them?".

"Very much doubt it," the old man shook his head, "it was a local band the Northern Trailblazers."

"Ah, a local band," Tom nodded, "no you certainly wouldn't make much money as a member of a local band."

"We actually made a fair bit of money locally in my day," the old man smiled, "every dance hall and ball room had its own live orchestra playing at night. Every weekend we would play at a different ballroom in town. We sort of made the circuit of the town as it were. It was during the '70s and '80s that DJs replaced the live orchestra. DJs were a lot cheaper to pay than an entire orchestra. But it just wasn't the same and the dance halls and ball rooms shut down. Discos with their DJs maintained the dancing tradition somewhat but by the mid-80s, they too were gone.
And now it looks like in this decade, the DJ's days are numbered as well. To be replaced by long running CDs with their multitudinous list of tunes."

"Yes, I suppose," said Tom, "these days the only place I hear a live orchestra playing during a dance is at a wedding reception."

"I imagine that's the reason a lot of people try to crash weddings," the old man smiled, "free food and free drink no doubt attracts some but I expect for many wedding crashers, it might be the sheer joy of hearing a live orchestra play while you dance. There is just something so exhilarating about dancing to a live orchestra. Something this century has seemed to have lost."

"Yes, I suppose," Tom said.

The old man looked at his watch, "Ah, 2 minutes to 4. Closing time for the museum in another couple of minutes. I suppose you're anxious to get home."

The old man got up, shook Tom's hand and left.

Tom closed up the Museum.

He met his friends at a nearby lounge for a drink.

There was raucous noise and laughter and much banter.

But as Tom sat there, he thought there was something missing.

This place wasn't a place for quiet conversation that's for sure, Tom thought.

Human interaction was indeed going on but amidst the loud music from the CD over the speakers and the rising cacophony of human voices as the voices tried to drown out the music and vice-versa the music seemingly trying to drown out the voices- everything was seemingly building upwards towards an explosive crescendo but a crescendo without a purpose- unlike a Beethoven symphony.

Tom turned to the table to his right where a quartet of young women were sitting.

One of the women was showing her friend the video on the newest and hottest cell phone of the month.

Tom watched as she pulled up images off the Net.

Then there was something that caught the young woman's attention.

It caught Tom's attention too.

It was a dashing young man and a beautiful young woman dancing.

The video was in black and white.

"Wow, that's neat," said the girl.

"It is," said her friend.

Tom had to admit (although he did not do it aloud) that it was indeed... neat.

Cool even.

At home in the old man's apartment, he was watching the old black and white movie on television that the young woman had picked up on her mobile phone.

It was a movie from the early 1940s that starred the dashing young Fred Astaire and the beautiful young Rita Hayworth.

Fred pranced.

Rita danced.

Like an artist painting a picture on the floor were the footsteps that Fred made.

A swish of exquisite fabric on the dress as Rita swayed.

They were dancing to a live orchestra.

The old man smiled.

He closed his eyes.

And heard the music... the beautiful, beautiful music.

Inside the lounge, Tom was getting a headache.

He closed his eyes.

But he was not hearing the music.

The Museum was now still and quiet. Not a sound was to be heard.

In shopping malls now, there was no silence to be heard.

And above the city and its lights, the stars seemed to dance in the sky- that is if one could see them in the winter fog and mist and collection of exhaust from a never ending line of cars.

The ancients believed in the idea of the Celestial Music of the Spheres- that the stars performed their own music as they moved across the sky.

Whether this was true or not- no one listened for that anymore.

Those who listened to the sounds from the skies were listening for radio signals from somewhere out there to indicate that we are not alone in the universe.

As the old man sat alone in his apartment, he did not feel alone.

As the voice of David Bowie sang that old song "Let's dance" on the lounge CD, Tom was starting to feel alone in the crowd for some reason.

Probably Bowie would have felt alone too if he had been sitting in that lounge for no one seemed to be listening to the words...

... "let's dance...."

The Tourist Starring Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie

This is not so much a formal review of the movie The Tourist as it is my own personal reflections on this film and its two stars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie.

Johnny Depp is my favourite contemporary actor and Angelina Jolie is my favourite contemporary actress.

Those of you who know me know that my ultimate dream is to become a motion picture director like my film making idols Orson Welles and Alfred Hitchcock.

I remember back at the first blogging site I was ever at which was called Journalspace- I wrote a blog back in 2007 on how Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie had not yet appeared together in the same motion picture.

Needless to say the fact that my favourite contemporary actor and favourite contemporary actress had not appeared together in the same movie by that time I found to be a great perplexing mystery.

I remember at the time saying if I ever did become a motion picture director, I would like to be the first to direct Depp and Jolie together in a film.

Well it didn't happen- I didn't get the chance to direct Depp and Jolie in their first motion picture together.

Whether I'll ever become a motion picture director period- only time will tell.

This past week was the first time I ever read the Wikipedia entry on Johnny Depp and was shocked to discover that his first two names were John Christopher because my first two names are John Christopher although he goes by his first name John (which he lengthened to Johnny) and I go by my second name Christopher (which most people shorten to Chris).

I always felt a closeness and a bond to Johnny Depp for some reason. Not in the sense that we're soul mates (because that isn't where my sexual orientation lies) but in the sense that we're soul brothers for lack of a better word.

There's just something about the man and the characters he plays that I can personally relate to most of the time.

It said in the Wikipedia article that Captain Jack Sparrow is Depp's favourite character and the one he most personally relates to.

Which I found interesting if true because Captain Jack Sparrow is my favourite Depp character and the one Depp character I most relate to as well.

Of course Captain Jack Sparrow is more of a fantasy projection of myself because I've not nor have I ever been a pirate in the Caribbean who's commanded a mysterious ghost ship called the Black Pearl.

It's interesting in Depp's latest film The Tourist that he plays a character more like me in reality. He plays a math professor (although when I taught in a community college, I taught Geopolitics and International Relations rather than math) and someone who comes across as nerdy and geeky- a person who enjoys reading spy novels (which I do as well) and whose real life has so far been nothing like he's read.

He happens to encounter a mysterious beautiful woman (played by Angelina Jolie) on a train and it's then that his life changes.

On a personal aside, I've always wanted to encounter a mysterious beautiful woman on a train as well (or anywhere else for that matter!) and have my life take an exciting turn as well.

Depp's character named Frank cannot figure out why this woman named Elise has chosen to sit down with him and then dine with him on a train.

He's even more baffled when he encounters her in Venice and she invites him to spend the night in her hotel room.

Next morning, he's even more baffled when he wakes up to find her gone and men banging on the door and shooting bullets into it.

This really is an excellent film.

It reminds me of the sort of film Alfred Hitchcock would direct if he was living in the 21st Century.

That old cliche about a movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat- well this movie will do that.

It's full of surprising twists and turns this film- and you are literally wondering what will happen next.

For those people who have seen the trailers to this movie-

I have to say- you know how most movie trailers you watch these days- you can pretty well figure out what's going to happen in a movie just by watching the trailer- you don't really have to go see the movie because the trailer pretty well tells you everything you need to know.

Well with that in mind, after watching the trailer for The Tourist I thought I pretty much knew what was going to happen in this movie just by watching the trailer but I wanted to see this film anyway because after all my two contemporary faves- Depp and Jolie were in it.

Anyways after seeing the film in its entirety, I can say that both the movie and the trailer are true masterpieces of genius.

Because the trailer and the way it's made- really does give you the impression of what this film is going to be about.

The way the scenes are put together in the trailer tell you that's the case.

But when you actually do see the movie, everything you thought you had guessed about its contents is actually blown away I'd say at about roughly 7 minutes into the film.

Everything you thought you'd guess from watching the trailer is wrong and the movie is full of completely surprising twists and turns.

I suppose the danger with the trailer is because a person thinks they can guess what this film is about just by watching the trailer and says, "Now I don't have to pay money to see the whole movie" - if a lot of people do that- there's the danger this film won't make money at the box office- because people will think they have guessed what this film is going to be about just by watching the trailer.

And they'll have missed seeing what I believe is the first truly Hitchcockian style film made in the 21st Century.

This film is a masterpiece in my opinion.

I think Hitchcock would have been proud to direct this film- it's that good.

The scenery- Paris, the train, Venice, the classically elegant hotel room where Depp and Jolie stay- such style, class and elegance I thought had died when the grand old espionage and thriller films of the 1930s, '40s and '50s were no more to be made.

And Angelina Jolie's dresses in the film- wow!- that's why I like watching movies of the '40s in particular because they were the best and sexiest and truly feminine women's fashions that came out in film in that decade.

And Jolie's dresses are like that in this movie- sexy and yet so incredibly lady-like at the same time- putting a lie to this modern notion that you have to dress like a slut in order to appear sexy.

And there's actually a grand ball (and a grand ball in Venice at that!) in the movie which particularly enthralled me. Of course that's one reason why I like Jane Austen novels and films based on Austen's books because there's always a good grand ball and dance somewhere.

And the film is like many of Hitchcock's films in that there is also a classic romance developing amid all the thrills and intrigue and espionage.

I give this film 5 stars out of 5 and two thumbs up.

I thought when I wrote that blog entry on the topic back in 2007 that if you put someone of Depp's charisma and someone of Jolie's charisma together in the same film, you'd come out with a masterpiece.

And this is what has happened with The Tourist.

Jack O' Hare Reflects Upon The Approaching Christmas

That barber pole at the North Pole glows neon red and white
basking in the brightness of an Aurora Borealis night
gingerbread cookies and mistletoe, milk and Christmas pud,
hang the stockings o'er that fireplace made of solid wood.

Lights and tinsel decorate that tree of evergreen
those presents wrapped complete the scene...

or do they?
Jack O' Hare lifted his ears
underneath the snowflake tears
there was still something missing to this scene
without it Christmas loses its gleam.

Where was the Babe in the manger born?
Trying to clutch the holly thorn?
Those tiny hands that reached up high
were the same Hands that made the sky.

To men and women living upon this Earth
Life seemed but endless death and birth
God seemed so distant and far
to actually see and touch Him
you may as well try...
to catch that distant star.

And yet over Bethlehem
a distant star stood
could God become man?
Apparently He could.

He is the Reason for the season
The Light that shines so bright
The shining Star that guides us
through many a desert night.


-A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
Sunday Evening, December 5th 2010
The Eve of Saint Nicholas.

Of Qonzilqointec and Super Soldiers

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was attending a cocktail party in New York City in an exclusive Fifth Avenue penthouse.

She wore a green velvety evening dress and a diamond necklace.

She briefly glanced at her cell phone where she had received a text message from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

She typed the words DO IT NOW in reply.

She glanced across the room and noticed the former Apollo astronaut who seemed to be the center of attention in a little group of admirers gathered around him.

They seemed to hover on his every word as he described what it was like to walk on the Moon and to view Planet Earth from the Moon.

He was then asked whether he had ever seen any aliens while he was up there.

Princess Qonzilqointec walked half-way across the room in his direction and then just stood there looking at him.

The former Apollo astronaut gazed in her direction and then without stopping to answer the question about aliens walked over to her.

They went off together to a quiet little corner of the penthouse where they talked together in very hushed tones.


* * *

Meanwhile in a quiet room on the upper floors of the Westminster Parliament in the shadow of Big Ben, a powerful but little known Parliamentary Committee was meeting.

The committee was a joint House of Commons/House of Lords Select Committee on Intelligence and Defense.

Addressing the committee was none other than Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage for the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

"So," Renfield continued his briefing, "we need to understand that DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Project Agency) in the United States of America and similar organizations throughout other industrialized nations are beginning a new arms race- the race to create the Super Soldier. This Super Soldier will be a "Human 2.0" to express it in terms of modern computer speak. What is referred to in Research and Development circles as GRIN (Genetics, Robotics, (artificial) Intelligence and Nano-Technology) will be used to create the perfect super human.
This Super Human soldier army of the future will have the following characteristics- hive mentality, superhuman strength, unbelievable agility and unsurpassed accelerated healing abilities."

"Good God," said Lord Tweedsmuir the House of Lords co-chairman of the committee, "this sounds like James Cameron's sci-fi TV series Dark Angel has come to pass."

Renfield nodded, "James Cameron is indeed a prophet. And those nations that do not get aboard the GRIN bandwagon to create a Super Soldier will find themselves going down like the Titanic."

"And," added Amadeus Emanon who had been brought along to serve as Renfield's secretary, "if one of these super soldiers with accelerated healing abilities gets shot, he'll be able to sing along with Celine Dion... My heart will go on and on..."

To be continued.