A Poem For Brother Anthony

Brother Anthony can you spare a prayer
for one in turmoil and despair
you're in the nearer presence of Our Lord and God
while in this vale of tears I still trod
my dear dad has recently passed
to Heaven's far greener grass
I miss him so
you probably know
and alas his will cannot be found
so with this in mind
I approach this sacred ground
asking for your intercession now.

Pray that my dad's will be found
so that from my worries I be unbound.


-A poem written by Christopher Dracul Van Helsing
for Brother Anthony Kowalczyk
a very blessed and holy monk
whose grave I visited today
in the City of Saint Albert
to ask for his prayers and intercession
in the Communion of Saints
that my dad's Last Will and Testament
be soon located and found.

written August 31st 2010
The Feast Day of St. Aidan of Lindisfarne

Rainswept Tears

Rainswept tears
letting go of years
gone are many fears
you held my hand when I was young
your life was a joy brightly sung
when you first were gone
I felt the end of dawn
but each passing day
in a strange new way
I feel you near
the hand that now holds is an invisible one
but I feel its warmth like the noonday sun.


-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

North Korea's Dictator Kim Jong-il Goes Beserk Over McNuggets

The following is a fictional satirical news story that I wrote a couple of days ago:

Paying a surprise unexpected visit to the South Korean capital of Seoul today, North Korea's Stalinist dictator Kim Jong-il went through a South Korean McDonald's drive-through today in his chauffeur driven Workers' Paradise Rolls-Royce limousine (a car that is actually unavailable to most North Korean workers).


The North Korean dictator was apparently struck by a craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets and upon being told by McDonald's employees that McNuggets were unavailable at the moment because this was the time only breakfast was being served, the Hermit Kingdom's Dear Leader went beserk and upon screaming that he was following Oprah's New Age spirituality and getting in touch with his feminine (American) side proceeded to break and smash the drive-through window.


There are fears the incident could lead to the outbreak of war on the Korean Peninsula.

Leonardo DiCaprio's Inception and The Lobster Named Michelangelo

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were having lunch together in a sandwich cafe in London.

"I hear," Renfield said between mouthfuls of his tuna fish sandwich, "that Justin Timberlake may replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol."

"I wonder how many major wardrobe malfunctions would happen on American Idol if that were to occur," Amadeus replied.

On the TV screen in the restaurant, the BBC News Announcer intoned, "This just in. San Francisco police have been questioning former US Vice-President Al Gore about possible inappropriate sexual contact with a massage therapist..."

"Oh my Buddha Consciousness Higher Self," Renfield invoked his deity as he put down his tuna fish sandwich in disgust, "the thought and imagery of Al Gore having sex has ruined my appetite."

* * *

Later that night, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been summoned to his top secret laboratories at Canary Wharf on the Thames.

"I thought you'd like to see this, boss," his leading scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher unveiled a curtain and there in an aquarium was a lobster.

"I have seen lobster before in my 3000 year old existence," Set seethed.

"But you've never seen lobster like this," Dr. Rocher grinned.

Dr. Rocher showed the lobster a photograph.

"Now observe our closed-circuit television inside 10 Downing Street," said Rocher.

British Prime Minister David Cameron woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sitting in my seat in the House of Commons."

Dr. Rocher showed the lobster another photograph.

"Now observe our closed circuit television inside the ArchBishop's Palace," Rocher smiled.

Rowan Williams the ArchDruid of Canterbury woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster was sacrificing me to an ancient Celtic deity."

Then another photograph. And a closed circuit television of the White House.

United States President Barack Obama woke up screaming, "I dreamed a giant lobster loosened the cap on the BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico and oil was spilling out again."

Then another photograph. And another closed circuit television.

Rep. Ron Paul woke up screaming, "I dreamed a lobster knocked over my tea pot and ruined our tea party."

"My Amun-Ra," Set smiled, "you've created a lobster that can..."

"... enter people's dreams," Dr. Rocher smiled, "What audiences see Leonardo DiCaprio doing fictionally in Inception, Michelangelo de Lobster does for real at my suggestion."

Then Dr. Rocher showed the lobster Michelangelo another photograph.

The lobster closed his eyes.

And a few minutes later, the lobster woke up screaming.


* * *

"Why are you smiling?" Amadeus who was sitting in an easy chair asked Renfield who was lying on the couch.

Renfield answered, "I just dreamed I was eating lobster."


To be continued.

Jack O' Hare As The Bunny of The Opera

This is a short musical play I wrote tonight entitled The Bunny of the Opera.

It stars Jack O' Hare (the wild hare jack rabbit who lives in my back yard) as the Bunny of the Opera.

The Bunny of the Opera
A short musical
written by Dracul Van Helsing
Monday August 9th 2010

Jack O' Hare (sings): I am the very model of the modern vegetarian
with my big ears, I can hear approach of carnovarian...


Christine Daae (sings): The bunny of the opera is there inside my mind...

Jack O' Hare: I eat vegetable but not animal or mineral..

Christine Daae: Jack, Jack, can you see my rack...?

(She unbuttons the buttons on the top of her dress)

Jack O' Hare: Is this some silicone I see before me?
Come let me clutch thee...

(Jack O' Hare grabs the top of her dress but there's nothing there)

Jack O' Hare: I have thee not
and yet I see thee still
in form as palpable as this which now I draw...

(Jack O' Hare stops to sketch a drawing of Jessica Rabbit in a low-cut dress with her nice knockers)

Christine Daae (sings): It's just holographic images inside your mind...

Jack O' Hare: Fair Leonardo, what foul Inception is this?

Christine Daae: In dreams you came on me...

Jack O' Hare (pointing at Christine Daae): I did not have sexual relations with that woman...

Christine Daae: The ears that draw to me and hear my name...

Jack O' Hare: Eat once again with me
this strange car-rot...

Christine Daae: Those who have seen your ears
draw back in fear
some muffs you must wear

Jack O' Hare: But then I can't hear...

Both (sing) Your/my spirit and your/my voice combined
The Bunny of the Opera is there
Inside my/your mind

Christine Daae (sings): Jack I love your tail
that sits your tiny rear...

Jack O' Hare (sings): Christine my dear
watch out for that chandelier...

(Both jump out of the way as a chandelier crashes down on stage)

CURTAIN.

Jack O' Hare As The Scarlet Pimpernel

Jack O' Hare As The Scarlet Pimpernel

The Scarlet Pimpernel was among my favourite adventure stories I enjoyed reading as a kid growing up.

I also as a kid loved (and still love) the 1934 Sir Alexander Korda film version of The Scarlet Pimpernel that starred Leslie Howard and Merle Oberon.

In fact as a kid, I'd often contentedly go to sleep at night by imagining in my mind I was passionately kissing Merle Oberon who played the Scarlet Pimpernel's wife Marguerite St. Just.

Anyways I've written a poem about my friend Jack O' Hare (the wild hare jack rabbit who lives in my back yard) as the Scarlet Pimpernel.



Jack O' Hare As The Scarlet Pimpernel
A poem by Dracul Van Helsing
written Sunday, August 8th 2010

We seek him, we seek him there
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
Is he in Heaven? Is he in Hell?
That damned elusive pimpernel.

So Citizen Chauvelin would wail
while eating the egg of a quail
and reading Percy Blakeney's poetic tale.

So where was the Pimpernel?
Was he in Heaven? Was he in Hell?
No, in Chauvelin's garden
eating carrots, can't you tell?

See his big bunny ears
and his Blakeneyesque jeers?
Finishing his carrots, he hopped through the grass
thinking Robespierre's a real pain in the ass
His Reign of Terror
just wasn't fair
so many people were just losing their heads
and you couldn't blame it on Henry VIII's marital beds.

Now Marguerite St. Just was going under the blade
captured in a dawn French commando raid
this woman who looked like Merle Oberon
sentenced to death
by a Committee of Public Safety con.

With a carrot for a sword
and a phony head made of gourd
Jack O'Hare leapt on the scaffold bold
this Chauvelin was later told
and kicked the executioner in the balls
while ignoring the mob's angry catcalls
he picked up Marguerite in his paws so white
and flashed his teeth polished by Ultra-Brite
the toothpaste that shines
with a bunny rabbit's rhymes.

He leapt on a horse
and said, but of course
he rode like the dickens
or maybe Slim Pickens
the sidekick in westerns galore
this bunny could roar
and the heroine escaped the guillotine's gore.
As for Chauvelin?
He's just a bore.



-Dracul Van Helsing

An Early August Poem For Jack O' Hare

Jack O' Hare has gone away
haven't seen him in many a day
but I'm sure he'll be back
this friend called Jack
maybe when I'm putting a coat on the rack
I'll notice his footprints and his track.
Stay well my friend
don't go over the bend
or you might get a sore rear end.



-A poem written by Dracul Van Helsing,
Saturday, August 7th, 2010

Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks

A week ago, I noticed a story on CNN News with this headline Prisoner Bear To Face Death Sentence For Attacks.

That struck me as an unusual way to frame a headline about an attacking bear.

So anyways here's a short story I wrote based on the images that came into my head from that headline.


* * *

TV Reporter Carolina Russell: And here we are in front of the prison. We have both sides of the death penalty debate right here... over here, the death penalty proponents...


(The proponents hold up picket signs that say "Fry The Bear")

Carolina Russell: And on the other side, death penalty opponents...

(The opponents hold up picket signs that say, "Commute the Sentence To Life In The San Diego Zoo")

Carolina Russell: And then there are others, we're not quite sure of their stand...

(Lindsay Lohan holds up a sign saying "I need a new bear rug for my bedroom" while Charlie Sheen holds up a sign saying "I like to make out with hookers while wearing a bear's paw necklace")

Carolina Russell: And then there's the controversial governor of the state... Ghenghis Khan Torquemada...

Gov. Ghenghis Khan Torquemada (at previous press conference): As you know I think death by lethal injection is a limp-wristed pansy way of putting someone to death. That's why I've re-introduced for the death penalty... death in the electric chair.

Carolina Russell: Gov. Torquemada's re-introduction of the electric chair death penalty has been condemned by Amnesty International...

Meanwhile inside the prison, prison guards are sitting up at a table and drawing straws...

Prison guard Hermie Hoopsnapper asked his fellow guard, "What's up with drawing straws?".

The bigger guard shrugged.

Prison Warden Chaney Karloff addressed the guards, "As you know, Gov. Torquemada has been getting a lot of flak from Amnesty International for bringing back the electric chair for the death penalty in this state. And he's been getting a lot of flak from PETA and various other animal rights groups over the fact that the first one to get the electric chair in 45 years in this state will be a bear. So in order to build better public relations for himself, Gov. Torquemada has announced the prisoner bear #7543849541284 will be entitled to one last meal before he's executed."

"But it's my understanding that the prisoner bear only eats humans," Hermie Hoopsnapper piped up.

All the prison guards and the warden looked at Hermie Hoopsnapper.

Hermie Hoopsnapper suddenly realized he was holding the shortest end of the straw.

Hermie Hoopsnapper let out a scream as he realized what was happening.

Hermie Hoopsnapper was thrown into the cell with the bear.

"Munch! Munch! Burp! Burp! Scratch! Scratch!" were the sounds the bear made from his cell as Hermie Hoopsnapper just screamed.

Carolina Russell batted her sexy false eyelashes, adjusted her fake boobs in her low-cut mini dress, looked directly at the camera and said, "We've just been informed that the Prisoner Bear has finished his last meal."



-A short story written by Dracul Van Helsing
Friday, August 6th 2010.

TV Commercial For The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World

This is a TV commercial I wrote today called The Most Un-Interesting Man In The World. It is of course a satirical spoof of Dos Equis' The Most Interesting Man In The World beer commercials.



Announcer: He's the Most Un-Interesting Man in the World...

Herr Hans: And then at exactly 10:23 PM after 5 and a half hours of watching it, the paint finally dried...

Beautiful Woman (in chair on his immediate left): Zzzzzzzzz....

Beautiful woman (in chair on his immediate right): Snore! Snore!

Herr Hans: You know I don't drink 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea very often but when I do, I prefer Equa Doze...

(Image comes up of a bottle of Equa Doze 100% Decaffeinated Combination Constipation Headache Laxative and Acid Reflux Relief Herbal Tea)

Herr Hans: Stay health conscious, my friends...