Robert Osborne: Hi, I'm Robert Osborne. You may know me from my intros to classic movies on the Turner Classic Movies channel.
Today, I'm here to talk about a little known film maker J. Hubert Pickleheimmer.
Most film critics agree that there's a very good reason why J. Hubert Pickleheimmer is a little known film maker.
You only have to watch one of his films in its entirety to discover the reason why.
Recently a J. Hubert Pickleheimmer Film Festival was held at a theatre in the Middle East.
Twenty minutes into the first Pickleheimmer film caused a group of suicide bombers in the theatre to simultaneously and instantaneously detonate themselves prematurely.
The hazard of premature detonation among suicide bombers as a result of the Pickleheimmer showing forced the jihadi industry to come up with a new product to prevent premature detonation called Jiagara.
As for the Film Festival itself, it had to be cancelled due to the host theatre's sudden need for urgent rebuilding.
Tonight we will be showing a clip from one of Pickleheimmer's films.
Pickleheimmer himself was very much influenced in his plot selections and some of his titles by classic movies like the particular film we'll be mercifully showing only a few minutes of tonight.
One of Pickleheimmer's favourite movies was the 1951 classic film Pandora and The Flying Dutchman that starred James Mason and Ava Gardner.
In 2011 (exactly 60 years after the original film), Pickleheimmer made a bizarre remake of it called Pandemic and The Flying Scotsman.
Since the film was released with the credits missing, we have no idea who the stars were as their movie making careers seemed to have come to a respective end as a result of appearing in this film.
Here is our first clip:
Pandemic (in a sexy low-cut white evening gown) :
Oh, Elsie, ever since I ate that huge dish of Spanish oysters that I was told by the Ancient Mariner not to eat, I've been condemned to live the rest of eternity as a nymphomaniac in search of perpetual sex.
Elsie (her maid dressed in a French maid's outfit) :
So you're forced to sail the Seven Seas in search of a perpetual bed partner?
Pandemic: That's right. So here I am standing on the deck of a boat in English Bay waiting for someone to come to me and come in me...
Elsie: Oh, Pandemic my lady, I'm so sorry for you. At least we're in a port city and you know what they say about sailors.
Pandemic: Yes but sailors in a port city are always on shore leave. And the goddess Aphrodite has decreed that as a result of my eating her forbidden sacred oysters, I can never leave this ship even though I have these perpetual sexual cravings.
Elsie: Oh my lady, how tragic! I can do nothing but weep for you.
(Elsie goes over to the railing of the ship and weeps- her salt tears falling into the already salty ocean)
Robert Osborne: As Pandemic's maid Elsie weeps over the railing of Pandemic's boat The Aurora Nymphomaniattica, we are then taken by Pickleheimmer's cameras to another boat in English Bay- The Stella Celeste- where a Scotsman wearing nothing but his kilt is making out with a married woman- the wife of the boat's one-legged one-armed one-eyed captain.
Our scene begins with the one-legged one-armed one-eyed captain walking in on his wife and her Scottish lover as they were making out in the ship's cabin bed room.
Captain Placebo: Why you unfaithful little tramp! (he stabs her with the sword at the end of his wooden leg)
Lady Placebo: Oh, I am slain.
(she falls back on the bed and dies)
Captain Placebo (to the man in the kilt): As for you, you cuckhold of the Scottish Highlands, you're going for a swim....
(picks up the man in the kilt with his one good arm and heads up to the deck)
Scotsman (protesting): But I never learned how to swim. I was too busy learning how to play the bagpipes.
Captain Placebo: Too bad for you. (throws the Scotsman sky high with his one good arm)
Pandemic (standing on the deck of The Aurora Nymphomaniattica peering through her binoculars):
Elsie, would you look at that Flying Scotsman- wearing nothing but his kilt as he flies through the air in this direction?
(The Flying Scotsman lands on top of The Aurora Nymphomaniattica's deck with his kilt up above his waist)
Pandemic (looking down): Oh, my. And what's your name, big fella?
Flying Scotsman: Donald Douglas. But most people call me Castle Dangerous.
Pandemic (taking off her evening dress and diving on top of him):
Well, Castle Dangerous, this looks like the start of a beautiful friendship.
THE END
(or possibly The Beginning)
